My Love Affair with Anxiety

Today’s show is going to be a very vulnerable one for me, but I am doing it purely for myself in my process of healing with the hopes that it may help other people who are struggling in similar ways. I will not delve deeply into the specifics of what happened to me since the parties to my own Shakespearean tragedy are very much still alive, apart from my mother, who I have talked about in previous shows. So I must tread carefully to avoid any unforeseen legal issues. I also do not wish to tell anyone else’s story, so my brother will be left out of this entirely, though he also experienced many of the same traumas growing up.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) in 2015 after finding myself too overwhelmed by the fear to deal with it in college. After dozens and dozens of therapy and psychiatry appointments, I was handed a prescription for five milligrams of Lexapro and just that bit of medication changed my life. There was finally a quietness to the inside of my head that had been incessantly buzzing with worries since who knows when. A glimmer of control appeared. I felt like I could manage to walk on the tightrope again without falling off. I asked the psychiatrist, “Is this what ‘normal people’ feel like?” She smiled, and I vowed to try to fix myself since, apparently, I had not come out from my youth unscathed.

So when did all this start? I can still remember leaning over in bed as early as middle school, a trash can serving as a makeshift puke bucket at the bedside, shaking with nauseous fear until I fell asleep. This occurred anywhere from once a month to every few months a year. My self-soothing technique and then getting lost in the school system’s copious mounds of homework and extracurricular activities kept me able to keep everything inside until I graduated and went off to college.

I grew up with trauma for about a third of my thirty-year life at this point—from about seven to seventeen. My childhood and adolescent brain were still wiring and firing together at a fast pace while being jostled about by the unexpected tragedies that life threw at them. In the most sterile terms, my trauma timeline goes something like this: Pretty much right after my mother beat breast cancer, at seven, my parents divorced and split custody, then my mother died of a second, rarer form of endometrial cancer when I was at eleven, and finally from about eleven until seventeen, the court system, in a rare move, forced a visitation schedule between my father and my mother’s family, who had plenty of their own mental problems. My trauma mostly stems from the constant ripping back and forth between people who were supposed to love me and want what was best for me. But I felt unheard, like a prisoner in a communist country with no will of my own due to my age. My mother’s family created a boogeyman in their minds and believed they were saving me from abuse; instead, they used parental alienation, a form of emotional abuse, thereby becoming the abusers themselves. One day, I hope they reflect on this fact and realize the true damage they did by trying to separate me from the only parent I had left once my mother died.

Up until this year, I was still in denial that I even suffered from something like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I thought I had successfully put all the trauma in a tightly wrapped box under the floorboards of my brain. This was simply a thinking problem I needed to solve, according to Aaron Beck’s book, like an irrational fear of spiders. My mother had anxiety and my father depression, so perhaps it was all genetic, which is why only Lexapro saved me from the abyss. I would be on that stuff forever. Besides, how bad could this anxiety thing be if I never self-medicated with alcohol or drugs? I was never a wounded veteran or physically abused. I had no reason to feel like a victim. Right? But my latest therapist took a look at me, astonished, saying, “You were just a child, with a brain that was developing and still wiring itself, and trauma is still trauma.” The effects of trauma certainly feel the same, it’s just a matter of the degree.

I went back to therapy when I discovered that I was pregnant. I had heard of the case of Andrea Yates and the extreme postpartum psychosis she experienced. I was afraid because now that I was living a life of “normalcy” with a husband, a house, and a steady career, I could see the distinct moments when my anxiety demons emerged. Over the years, I started off with fears about choking and appendicitis and tornadoes and alligators. Those fears morphed into ones about grades, school, presentations, vacations, and outings, like to restaurants and things of that sort. The physical symptoms were getting stuck in my own train of thought and spiraling down right into a panic attack. Bathrooms were my best friend. My heart palpated out of my chest with the sense of impending doom right around the corner, irritation toward everyone, my stomach tied itself into knots, and I could never rest. Relaxation or vacations were foreign to me now. Entering college only unleashed more panic attacks, stronger ones, and ones where I felt something was deeply wrong with my body. As the panic attacks subsided, I tried getting off the medication only to be greeted by nights of vomiting myself to sleep, shaking to the point my teeth could be heard chattering from across the room, and no longer being able to eat. So back on the medication I went and more therapy. This time I wanted a “scientist” to help me, not a parrot. I sought out CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and while I got rid of some flashbacks, it did not stop the anxiety from transforming yet again. Nowadays, it’s been the unwanted intrusive thoughts keeping the fear very much alive. My brain is sick, and I knew that now more than ever, with a child on the way, I needed more help.

They should really have posters out there that rather than saying, “This is your brain on drugs,” they say, “This is your brain on trauma” because it does change you whether you like it or not.

Now I should say, if you, dear audience member, are worried about me, please don’t be since it is only in my happiest stage of life that I have been able to take a step back and really look at my upbringing with clarity. It is at this apex of happiness in my life of stability and wellness that I am finally strong enough to make the change in the final puzzle piece to my recovery—to acknowledge that my body keeps the score.

And with that, a previous therapist had recommended me this book to read: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I wanted to share with the public every nugget that I got out of it in the hopes that others may benefit too. This book described so well how I have felt as a person who grew up swamped in a decade of trauma.

For the longest time, I was holding onto the trauma as a way to protect the memory of my mother in many ways. Of course, the happy memories with her were of a distant past that was not as vivid as the more recent traumatic ones. It is the reason that I am addicted to trauma and subsequently have this toxic love affair with anxiety. I felt so close to her when those flashbacks came in of her being sick and struggling, and my anxiety made me feel closer to her as she also struggled with the same mental illness. “Trauma is not stored as a narrative with an orderly beginning, middle, and end. […] flashbacks that contain fragments of the experience, isolated images, sounds, and body sensations that initially have no context other than fear and panic.” In Kolk’s book, he describes how he always came away in “awe at the dedication to survival that enabled my patients to endure their abuse and then to endure the dark nights of the soul that inevitably occur on the road to recovery.”

Though I felt like my trauma was not as extreme as a Vietnam vet’s and that’s why for the longest time, it was so hard for me to fix because my symptoms could, at times, be subtle but still uncomfortable or alarming when I got triggered. The book says that “trauma affects the imagination” and “also our very capacity to think” while I “stay stuck in the fear [I] know.” It actually becomes the most comfortable place for me to be, simply due to its familiarity. My anxiety or stress hormones from trauma continue not to reach the normal baseline. This brings me back to having read first Aaron Beck’s major work on anxiety, called Anxiety Disorders and Phobias: A Cognitive Perspective, which told me this was a “thinking problem” but, gee, that didn’t help at all! I do agree, however, with his idea that the anxiety built up as a survival mechanism to the trauma. I could be a high-functioning student with anxiety. But the book, ultimately, made me feel like I was irrational or unable to think. Led by my father in the household, I was taught to take on the soldier or male mentality of sucking it up and if I succumbed, then that’s a sign of weakness. I could not “let them win” by drowning in my own sorrows. So I denied letting other people in, especially therapists, since I considered them simply noisy and unhelpful for the longest time. I believed that the less I cried about it, the longer that time went by, the more I had conquered my past. But there was trauma and before I could “not let it get the best of me,” I had to be able to understand exactly what happened to me first; only then could I start to grieve and finally accept it. “People cannot put traumatic events behind until they are able to acknowledge what has happened and start to recognize the invisible demons they’re struggling with.”

After college, I developed an interest in true crime, like so many of the women in today’s society. In a strange way, feeling the anxiety well up inside of me while watching these threatening shows made me feel oddly relieved, like an addict or a compulsion I had to repeat. Again, I believe that I was trapped in a cycle where small talk was useless noise and the “real world” was full of tragedy and agony. I felt safer talking about the most frightening things over commenting on the weather. The language that I had been speaking for most of my life thus far was one of trauma—hearing true crime shows felt like they were actually speaking to me and not all these other dull, practical commentators. Hearing about murders and kidnappings and robberies felt like just another day internally for me. It was soothing to hear of others experiencing as much horror as I was. It took even more therapy while pregnant to finally see through the chaos. For “Only after learning to bear what is going on inside can we start to befriend, rather than obliterate, the emotions that keep our maps fixed and immutable.”

“All trauma is preverbal.” This quote reveals just how difficult it is to heal from trauma when you can barely express it, especially when you are in it. That’s why I feel like so many creative people who go into the arts are the types that are still learning to express their trauma in various ways: through theater, or poetry, or painting, or music, or dancing. It is a form of “sensory integration,” where you can explore “your internal map and the hidden rules that you have been living by” without completely understanding it all yourself. I used ballet and then guitar for a long time to try to at least release some air from that tightened valve—but not too much, never too much, which is why “The survivor’s energy now becomes focused on suppressing inner chaos, at the expense of spontaneous involvement in their life.” I could not and still cannot handle any spontaneous trips to places or variations in my daily routines. For I have felt too much chaos on the inside that all I want externally is peace and quiet and stability. But my voice has been the most direct and poignant in the literary fiction that I write, my novels. I find that literary fiction has always served as an outlet for people who have gone through so much, felt it all, and stayed brutally honest throughout their explanation of vital aspects of the human experience. It is also the only reason that I feel compelled to put myself out on the internet in such a vulnerable way because it is a continuation of my art, a continuation of being honest so that others can feel they are not alone in the dark. I will never fake any aspect of myself for this reason.

I think childhood trauma that lasts for an extended period of time is much more difficult to heal, fix, or try to eradicate than a person who has one bad experience, like a car crash, in their adult life. Those very specific phobias, such as a newfound fear of driving after an accident, have seen higher successful treatment rates than the ones where a brain has been maladapted for survival to fit its environment over years of abuse. My dorsal vagal complex, in charge of the emotional stimulus like nausea, has gone through this process repeatedly of going from an enforced visitation to fight or flight (also known as hyperarousal) to collapse (or hypoarousal). I discovered that “experience shapes the brain.” And while many people “In an effort to shut off terrifying sensations, they also deadened their capacity to feel fully alive,” I remember telling myself in high school that I’d rather suffer with anxiety than not feel anything at all, which I thought, at the time, would be good for my art. “However, traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.” By “going into a panic—they develop a fear of fear itself.” While “Suppressing our inner cries for help does not stop our stress hormones from mobilizing the body.” It is known that “Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”

To me, the only thing that allowed me to survive all the trauma was to have “A Secure Base, wherein our mother may put us on her belly or breast for delicious skin-to-skin contact,” since “Our attachment bonds are our greatest protection against threat.” I know I am lucky enough to have had a secure attachment to my mother and through breastfeeding with her for two years while my dad made sure to cuddle and sing me to sleep all the time. It was all the illness and divorce and back and forth afterwards that caused a lot of trauma to my ability to attach socially with other people outside of my inner circle. In Kolk’s book, he quotes from Pierre Janet, a psychologist, who wrote, “Every life is a piece of art, put together with all means available.” Much like the parental love that protects Harry Potter in J.K. Rowling’s series, I felt wrapped in that love and self-esteem concerning myself enough to move forward with a tough face on. “Children whose parents are reliable sources of comfort and strength have a lifetime advantage—a kind of buffer against the worst that fate can hand them.” That is why divorce and subsequent separation from either parent can be so detrimental. “For example, children who are separated from their parents after a traumatic event are likely to suffer serious negative long-term side effects. Studies conducted during World War II in England showed that children who lived in London during the Blitz and were sent away to the countryside for protection against German bombing fared much worse than children who remained with their parents and endured nights in bomb shelters and frightening images of destroyed buildings and dead people.” I would have chosen to stay by my mother’s side as she was sick and then dying. I would have chosen to stay with my father when I was developing into a woman and figuring my way out in the world. A child’s parents are perfection in their eyes—no matter how much they may make mistakes. They are biologically connected devotees to their creators—mother and father. Children simply do not thrive as well without them.

Even though I cannot remember much of my growing up since I actively tried to forget about most of it, I still kept becoming unknowingly attracted to other people using this language of trauma. Many, many people fall into this cycle of falling in love with their own demons. It feels safe and like the other person really understands you, but it never turns into a very healthy relationship. It took me a few tries before I found a healthy one—one that allowed me to clearly see how odd I was compared to other adults my age.

I had to learn that “Children have no choice but to organize themselves to survive within the families they have […] Instead they focus their energy on not thinking about what has happened and not feeling the residues of terror and panic in their bodies. […] They don’t talk; they act and deal with their feelings by being enraged, shut down, compliant, or defiant.” And I was an expert at shutting down or feeling some dissociation where I’d listen to my internal dialogue and usually cause myself to panic when I was younger. Sadly, I “continue to behave as if [I] were still in danger.” It is from “The emotions and physical sensations that were imprinted during the trauma [that] are experienced not as memories but as disruptive physical reactions in the present.” Therefore, “The challenge of recovery is to reestablish ownership of your body and your mind—of your self. This means feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed, or collapsed.”

As I discovered in college, sitting in my philosophy classes with other students, they all were driven by this question of “why?” Many of them probably started questioning after also experiencing some type of trauma in their childhoods. I know I certainly did, like why did my parents have to divorce; why did my mother have to die; why did my mom’s family dislike my father so much? All these questions pushed me to seek out answers with an obsessive attitude. Studying classic literature in middle and high school started the ball rolling, guiding me through various perspectives on human lives. But I grew hungrier with each new book. My father gave me Atlas Shrugged as a gift and said he really loved it, and so my fifteenth summer, on one of my enforced visitations, I sat and absorbed every word of Ayn Rand. I will never forget calling him frantically out of breath saying that this book changed my life, as he chuckled on the other side of the phone—how I wish he was in the room with me at the time so I could hug him so!

I continued my high school career with a clearer mind. Life made much more sense to me now than the foggy trappings of my Protestant upbringing. I felt a hope that I could make my life better for myself. Since I was almost an adult, which I had longed to be since childhood. I was so tired of being tossed around like a rag doll. I longed for the days when I could dictate my own schedule and work to achieve my own dreams without worrying about anyone else.

But like most young Objectivists, I was unable to grasp one of Rand’s many challenging concepts: the mind-body dichotomy. In Atlas Shrugged, during Galt’s famous speech, he says, “They have cut man in two, setting one half against the other. They have taught him that his body and his consciousness are two enemies engaged in deadly conflict, two antagonists of opposite natures, contradictory claims, incompatible needs, that to benefit one is to injure the other, that his soul belongs to a supernatural realm, but his body is an evil prison holding it in bondage to this earth—and that the good is to defeat his body, to undermine it by years of patient struggle, digging his way to that glorious jail-break which leads into the freedom of the grave.” In terms of my anxiety, I initially saw it as a chemical error in my brain, perhaps solely a thinking problem. I made my anxiety clinical. Again, if you don’t cry and box the trauma up, then you have defeated your enemies. There was no lasting trauma for me, no PTSD. After all, as a rational Objectivist, I gave very little credence to my subjective emotions. Oh, how many of us have seen Objectivists like this? But let me let you in, dear Objectivist listeners, you cannot heal from trauma and, therefore, be happier on earth, unless you physically train your body, through things like yoga and deep breathing, to prove to your body that you are not in constant danger. That is exactly the mistake I was making for years after I left behind the trauma. I only paid attention to my mind and not my body. But they are both intertwined! You cannot have one without the other.

No matter how much we try to box up the trauma, it will come out one way or another, usually when we become our most vulnerable. The anxiety symptoms will escape and throw you down, and the depression will keep you paralyzed for days. And then most people self-medicate. They seek out alcohol, drugs, promiscuous sex to forget that they exist in a pain that seems to drop from out of nowhere. I urge more people to go seek help through a combination of medication and therapy. I have now learned that the medication was treating my brain while the therapy was truly helping my body heal—the nature and the nurture part—the genetics and the environmental scars I was wearing. Those pesky unwanted intrusive thoughts are still hanging on because my body does not know that it can come out of survival mode and breathe a sigh of relief.

I love that in many ways my anxiety kept me away from self-medicating while I was growing up and that Ayn Rand gave me the hope and courage to find my way out of this mess into my own light. Kolk’s book made me understand that trauma changes a person no matter how they deal with it. I will always be who I am and so I cannot erase the trauma I experienced, but I can learn to live with it and acknowledge the frightening thoughts as simply remnants of an ancient past that I am no longer living. Usually, when they come up, I find it helpful to think, “Oh, that’s just the trauma talking” and move on with my day. I also have to remind myself that thoughts are not thinking, and morality does not exist where thoughts do. I am not those intrusive thoughts.

In the book, Kolk also suggests various options to cope with trauma, such as self-awareness, mindfulness meditation, yoga, Pilates, theater or roleplaying out the traumatic scenarios, building strong relationships, therapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), hypnosis, Model Mugging Self Defense training, Internal Family Systems, Feldenkrais Method, self-leadership, rewiring the brain through neurofeedback like with alpha-theta training.

I have personally tried talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) (however, “In contrast to its effectiveness for irrational fears such as spiders, CBT has not done so well for traumatized individuals, particularly those with histories of childhood abuse”), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) (although, the issue I have with this method is that while I have a few vivid memories, most of my trauma was felt in the absence of my mom or in between those forced visitations (attachment problems), which may be another reason that EMDR didn’t seem to help me with association and integration), and medication. In terms of self-expression, music and ballet has helped me with controlling my breathing and my body. For instance, I have never panicked in a ballet class. After meeting my husband, who is in the National Guard, he follows a strict workout regime every morning, Monday through Saturday. This inspired me to finally start getting on my personal workout routine completed every Monday through Friday. Since becoming pregnant, I have done plenty of prenatal yoga, Pilates, and mediation, which have truly allowed me to breathe easier daily, all of which have allowed me to inhabit my body again in the way of self-care.

“Traumatized people are often afraid of feeling […] their own physical sensations that now are the enemy.” This is why you must fight back through movement. Take exercise seriously as one way to really take back control over your life. “Even though the trauma is a thing of the past, the emotional brain keeps generating sensations that make the sufferer feel scared and helpless […] avoid many social activities: Their sensory world is largely off limits.” And “This is why trauma that has occurred within relationships is generally more difficult to treat than trauma resulting from traffic accidents or natural disasters.” “However, the most natural way that we humans calm down our distress is by being touched, hugged, and rocked.” So your healing can simply start with hugging the one you love. The key is that “Sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic experiencing” equate to “the pleasure of completed action.” And “The best way to overcome ingrained patterns of submission is to restore a physical capacity to engage and defend.” Since “Being traumatized is not just an issue of being stuck in the past; it is just as much a problem of not being fully alive in the present.” The idea is “not desensitization but integration.” “However, drugs cannot ‘cure’ trauma; they can only dampen the expressions of a disturbed physiology.” “While trauma keeps us dumbfounded, the path out of it is paved with words, carefully assembled, piece by piece, until the whole story can be revealed.” Again, this is what my books do for me because continuing to remain silent is the equivalent of death itself. “Communicating fully is the opposite of being traumatized.” Although, “Yet another pitfall of language is the illusion that our thinking can easily be corrected if it ‘doesn’t make sense.’”

For flashbacks specifically, “It’s best to treat those thoughts as cognitive flashbacks—you don’t argue with them any more than you would argue with someone who keeps having visual flashbacks of a terrible accident. They are residues of traumatic incidents: thoughts they were thinking when, or shortly after, the traumas occurred that are reactivated under stressful conditions.” It is “the psychical trauma—or more precisely the memory of the trauma—acts like a foreign body which long after its entry must continue to be regarded as an agent that still is at work” like a splinter in the finger. Because “trauma interferes with the proper functioning of brain areas that manage and interpret experience.” “These powerful feelings are generated deep inside the brain and cannot be eliminated by reason or understanding.”

Instead of engaging in self-numbing activities like exercise or work, I am trying to learn how to step away, even if for a brief time, in order to relax during each and every day. “As long as we manage to stay calm, we can choose how we want to respond. Individuals with poorly regulated modulated autonomic nervous systems are easily thrown off balance, both mentally and physically.” So it is the goal to improve your heart rate variability (HRV). “One of the clearest lessons from contemporary neuroscience is that our sense of ourselves is anchored in a vital connection with our bodies.” But the “Trauma makes you feel as if you are stuck forever in a helpless state of horror. In yoga you learn that sensations rise to a peak and then fall.” And while “Pushing away intense feelings can be highly adaptive in the short run. […] The problems come later.” So we have to work at “reconfiguring a brain/mind system that was constructed to cope with the worst. Just as we need to revisit the parts of ourselves that developed the defensive habits that helped us to survive.”

Kolk explains that creating structures using things like “psychomotor therapy” can fill in the holes that trauma has created. Another new technique is neurofeedback, which “simply stabilizes the brain and increases resiliency, allowing us to develop more choices in how to respond.” It also “changes brain connectivity patterns; the mind follows by creating new patterns of engagement.” This can lead to improvements in focus, which before remained unfocused because our “brains are not organized to pay careful attention to what is going on in the present moment.” Like “when people hear a statement that mirrors their inner state, the right amygdala momentarily lights up, as if to underline the accuracy of the reflection.” So “we can create new emotional scenarios intense and real enough to defuse and counter some of those old ones.” Whereas “Often there is excessive activity in the right temporal lobe, the fear center of the brain, combined with too much frontal slow-wave activity. This means that their hyperaroused emotional brains dominate their mental life.”

The hope at the end of the book is that “We are on the verge of becoming a trauma-conscious society.” Since “Trauma constantly confronts us with our fragility and with man’s inhumanity to man but also with our extraordinary resilience.” I needed this book to show me that I did not escape my traumatic upbringing in childhood unscathed. Just because I held my emotions inside did not mean that I was just fine. My genetics and environment forced me into using anxiety as a survival mechanism, which in many ways both saved me while it fed upon me, especially once the traumatic situations had come to an end. It took me another decade of my life in fear to start understanding the full scope of my trauma.

I hope to end the cycle of emotional abuse, silence surrounding mental illnesses and trauma, and the destructive nature of enforced visitations brought on by the divorce and subsequent eruption of the nuclear family. I want my children to feel securely attached to me and my husband. I want to give them a forever home with a solid set of friends they can grow up with into adulthood. I desire nothing more than to worship each child individually and to always hear their voices, take them seriously, and do what they believe will make them happy. I sincerely wish to give them the firm foundation of love that I was grateful to have had before the storm came and to avoid such senseless storms for them in their futures.

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Links: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748; https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Disorders-Phobias-Cognitive-Perspective/dp/046500587X; https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Therapy-Emotional-Disorders-Aaron/dp/0452009286; https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346; https://calusarecovery.com/blog/f41-1-diagnosis-a-comprehensive-guide/; https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/; https://beckinstitute.org/about/dr-aaron-t-beck/; https://www.amazon.com/Atlas-Shrugged-Centennial-AYN-RAND/dp/B0027M0HV6/ref=pd_lpo_sccl_2/143-1155917-6053026?pd_rd_w=CVlwr&content-id=amzn1.sym.4c8c52db-06f8-4e42-8e56-912796f2ea6c&pf_rd_p=4c8c52db-06f8-4e42-8e56-912796f2ea6c&pf_rd_r=8R1G0Q3YJ6X1E280D1P0&pd_rd_wg=SlV45&pd_rd_r=e4afa001-e2db-4811-8790-756fad892f06&pd_rd_i=B0027M0HV6&psc=1; https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/08/business/media/this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-tweaked-for-todays-parents.html

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

We Are Women

I recently took Bradley Method childbirth classes to prepare for labor and part of the assigned reading was a bunch of podcasts and articles from Evidence Based Birth. This title is ironic, as several one-star reviewers pointed out, because the podcast cannot even admit what a woman is. Well, let me tell you that we are women.

Fuming, I sent off an email that read:

I just wanted to say that while I am appreciating the abundance of research and statistics from listening/reading these recommended pieces from the Evidence Based Birth website, it is extremely distracting, like nails on a chalkboard, every time the host says/writes “birthing person,” “pregnant human,” “chestfeeder,” “human milk,” “laboring person,” and so forth. To me, who has only felt the pangs of femininity/womanhood a few times in my life and the most right now, being pregnant for the first time, this kind of language makes me feel invisible or like some kind of cattle. I want to be proud of my womanhood—not ashamed of it.

Cooly, this was the response from my childbirth teacher:

EBB is the best available source for quality information about birth – I love that you are finding those sources informative.

EBB intentionally uses non-gendered language to be inclusive of various identities. I’m sorry to hear it’s made you uncomfortable – please feel free to reach out to EBB with your concerns. 

Although I encourage families to access these resources due to their high quality – please know it is not required. Feel free to skip anything from EBB if their use of inclusive language is negatively impacting you.

Doesn’t this response make it sound like this is my own personal problem? That I have to search inward to understand why this “triggers” me? Of course, I sat on this email feeling even more invisible and gaslit and curious as to why.

Here’s why I find those so offensive: I mentioned to my mother while on the playground that my sides were hurting, kind of cramping up. I remember her proudly telling me that I was becoming a woman. She taught me how to shave my legs for the first time. And then cancer robbed me of any more answers about womanhood when I finally started bleeding at eleven. Now the images circle of my sweaty forehead leaning against the bathroom sink, my entire body pressed against the bathroom floor to cool down, my father holding a wet rag to my drooping forehead, waking up suddenly during class, realizing that I had passed out sideways out of my chair for a second from all the menstrual pain. Growing up to become “a woman” stunk. I wanted to escape the monthly pain. I saw no clear reason for having to go through this again and again. I learned to take ibuprofen before all the pain even began—large doses. I got on birth control by fifteen to control my irregular and painful cycles. I didn’t want to be a woman when my body was keeping me from school and focusing on learning. I dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and sneakers every single day for maximum comfort and to hide my changing body.

Experiencing sex for the first time made me understand exactly what kind of woman I am in the bedroom. Without revealing too much, I became someone new to me—a submissive, clingy, dependent woman. I learned to desire nothing more than that protective touch. Perhaps being a woman wasn’t so bad after all, though it was frightening to be so vulnerable.

Then, I went through a year of waiting and tears trying to conceive, thinking I had somehow broken my own body. Being a woman was awful once again. Until it finally happened. The positive second line and the hugs of shock and excitement. Soon enough, the kicks made me smile and the belly made me waddle, my nipples leaked and my pelvis ached, but I was carefully watching what my body seemed to already know how to do. Everything I had been through started to make sense. In utter awe, I learned how much my body could do and had been doing to bring new life into this world. I finally fell in love with being a woman.

So imagine my surprise when the word I was just learning to love, “woman,” was no longer in vogue, being erased right before my very eyes, in the very place where “woman” and “mother” should be praised—childbirth classes. Instead, I heard the cold, clammy words of “birthing person” and “chestfeeder.” I felt lost again, without a mother figure to hold my hand and guide me through this pregnancy. I lost sight of what it was to be a woman now that even my childbirth classes and the hospital didn’t consider me one. All to kowtow to the transgender population who make up less than one percent of the population worldwide.

Look, I am no stranger to feeling excluded. I lost my mother at a young age and had to put up in every grade with things like, “Where are your parents taking you for Christmas break”? or “What kind of card should we make for Mother’s Day?” or “What did you and your parents do over summer break?” I had to either ignore the whole plural aspect by responding, “We went to the beach” or “My dad took us to the beach.” (My brother dealt with the same thing, by the way). Now, single-parent families are at least seven percent of the population worldwide. Should I have demanded that everyone only acknowledge their fathers? Should I have threatened others if they said “parents”? Should I have had teachers fired for asking me about both parents? Absolutely not. That’s simply not how the world works. You cannot change language for people who live outside of the “average” or the “norm.” Society cannot function that way. Plus, the older I got, the more I realized just how lucky those kids were to be able to say “parents” and not have to think about their answers beforehand. They were lucky and I would not want to take that away from them.

Transgenderism is the same phenomenon. They feel different in their own skin, uncomfortable—for the majority, after some kind of social trauma. They need a therapist for that—not to change the way that people speak to one another in everyday life. And they certainly have no right to coerce other people to play along with their fantasy. As J. K. Rowling and many others have already stated: a man dressing up as a woman is still a man, a woman dressing up as a man is still a woman. You can pretend all you want, but I fear that you will never find the truth or happiness that way. However, I refuse to use “inclusive” and “non-gendered” language to appease some force I have never met, policing what I say and how I say it. That is the least American thing I have ever heard. I am a woman, having earned the title, and finally proud to be known as one.

***

Links: https://wellcomecollection.org/works/wvxta3rh/items; https://www.bradleybirth.com/; https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evidence-based-birth/id1334808138; https://stories.jkrowling.com/en-us/my-story/; https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-03-03/the-long-history-of-transgender-people-in-australia-and-beyond/102037662

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

On Adaptability and Resilience

Never have I felt more like a woman than now. I wrote a piece a few months ago, entitled “Race and Gender Do Not Matter,” which was not very popular. So, I think I should clarify. While I still don’t believe either matter when it comes to one’s career, gender certainly has its role in the family dynamic. I do believe that the traditional nuclear family is the best. Like the story of Adam and Eve, if anyone grows a human from a rib, it’s Eve and not Adam. I just learned that the cells of the mother stay in the baby for years after birth and the baby’s cells stay in the mother as well. They are truly a part of your body, blood of your blood. Every day my body has gone through these incredible changes, and I’ve heard that successfully giving birth will be my ultimate act as a woman.

I’m not even there yet, but I am so excited (and nervous) about what lies ahead. How much will I feel that nurturing sensation toward my baby while breastfeeding? Will my heart explode with love? How integral is this whole experience to my understanding of the world as a female human being? In order to get there, however, I realize that I must adapt and cope with these constant changes. Women amaze me in their ability to adapt and become resilient through pregnancy and postpartum. Heck, even dealing with a period at such an early age forces girls to mature into women much faster than their male counterparts. Our bodies are like the metaphorical caterpillar turning into the envied butterfly once we become mothers. Somehow, a woman, stretch marks and all, becomes even more beautiful when she cares for her newborn so sweetly. Femininity is linked to gentleness and grace. And I am beginning to see that mothers have that extra touch of it once they have completed their full metamorphosis.

I already believe that there is something vital in a woman having a child and understanding herself even more than before. Like, “Ah, now I know why those breasts are there.” Or, “Oh, yes, I can see why all women waddle around like that in the third trimester with their hands on their bellies or backs.” Even, “This is how much I love what is mine: wholly, deeply, selfishly.” You cannot have those feelings or thoughts without experiencing them. Now, I’m not saying that you understanding yourself better is a good enough reason to have a baby, but I certainly think that if you are also excited about the prospect of spending the time, the precious moments, and generally slowing down in life with a baby, then it is worthwhile.

I truly hope to slow down in my life. I tried doing that with each “book baby” (and will continue to in the future, don’t worry). But at this time in my life, I want to taste life twice with my own baby. I want to feel like the world is new and fresh again. I want my creative spark to light up once more, not from fear but from sheer wonder. And every day that they learn something new, I want to see it reflected in my baby’s face and bask in its glow. That, I hope, will bring even more meaning and purpose to my life on this benevolent planet.

***

Links: https://harvardartmuseums.org/collections/object/230156; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZWZTyOWO3c&ab_channel=TheAtheistNun

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

Excerpts from American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness by Walter R. Houghton, 1883

I will be sharing several interesting excerpts from the books that I have been reading as of late. This one is an etiquette book written by Walter R. Houghton, a Victorian historian, in 1883 entitled American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness. I will also put the link to the full text at the end of the excerpts if you want to read the complete work.

Let’s begin.

O estimate the real value of etiquette, decorum, or good manners, is to measure the breadth and scope of modern civilization. That culture only is valuable which smooths the rough places, harmonizes the imperfections, and develops the pure, the good and the gentle in human character. The revenge of the savage, the roughness of the barbarous, and the rudeness of even some who claim to be civilized, are all lost in the good will and suavity of gentle manners. The efficiency and usefulness of a liberal education are dwarfed unless developed under the genial influence of proper decorum. The actual worth, then, of politeness is such as to make everyone who would be refined and cultured seek to cultivate it to such an extent as to make it practical in all the walks of life.  

***

EXCHANGEABLE VALUE.  

“A man’s manners are his fortune,” is a saying as true as it is old, as valuable as it is true. Many commodities are exchangeable, and money is the pivot upon which they turn. This is not less true of good manners than it is of the theories of the political economist. Who will number the times fortune has smiled upon penniless men who have had a good countenance and a pleasing address at their command. Good manners are made a leading business qualification in all pursuits. Neither sex is exempt, and the best positions with the fattest salaries are always commanded by the best mannered, most courteous individuals. Then, as an avenue to wealth and position, good manners constitute a desirable acquisition.  

***

VALUE TO SOCIETY.  

What is called society would be impossible were it not for the laws and usages of etiquette. So many interests are to be served — some to be protected, others to be restrained, and still others to be allowed the privilege of growth and expansion — that all these could not be done without some acknowledged standard of action, of which all may acquire some information both on entering and while in society. The best manners are to be found in the society of the good, and they are only the outgrowth of what is actually essential to regulate intercourse among such people. Man can not do without society, and society can not be maintained without customs and laws; therefore we have only to think of the mistakes, the heart-burnings and the mortifications which are the experience of the unrefined and ill-mannered, to see how valuable to society is a knowledge of the rules of decorum.  

***

VALUE TO GENTLEMEN.  

The name gentleman indicates one who is gentle, mild, even-tempered. Some are born so, and will naturally exercise these qualities in having to do with their fellows. Many have these qualities to acquire, and some, at least, have to use them as a cloak to gain admission to circles otherwise closed against them. The polished way, smooth speech and easy bearing of a complete gentleman pleasurably affect any company of persons, neither are they soon forgotten. Unconsciously we imitate them, and thus the grace of good behavior becomes an influence well worth the while of any one who would be a gentleman, to seek it.  

***

VALUE TO LADIES.  

Woman is peculiarly the organizer and refiner of elegant society. Men will seek the essential principles, but all the nicety and elegance of polished manners must and do come through woman. A woman rude and uncultured in her manners, however beautiful in person she may be, is like an uncut diamond, whose sparkle and lustre, though like that of the dog-star, are lost by the roughness of the exterior. The graceful mien and pleasing address of a cultured and refined woman make her a favorite in every company, and the radiant of a courtesy as wide and as luminous as her manners are pleasing. Worthy men strive to please and honor noble, virtuous, amiable women. So that woman, who by her courtesy has acquired these attributes, has in her power the touch-stones which test and at the same time claim the best society among gentlemen.

***

VALUE TO THE POOR.  

It is the birthright of an American citizen to rise from the ranks of poverty to the highest gift of the people, if he but possess the ability. Whatever the circumstances, no one likes to admit his poverty. Of all things which make us most easily forget a man’s poverty, the practice of good manners is most efficient.

***

All education begins at home. The home is the most powerful and really the most effective institution on earth for training the rising generation. Home influence is the truest character moulder; and if continued from infancy through early childhood to manhood, it will shape the moral and intellectual man or woman in spite of all outside directive power. For this influence is early, coming with the first possibilities of man, and therefore most impressive; it is constant, continuing through all the formative period of life. The child who never learns anything at home will never know much, whether in science, morals or religion. Here he forms his habits — either habits of idleness, ignorance and vice, or habits of industry, intelligence and virtue —and as the twig is bent the tree will grow.

***

It is only by attention to little things that we can become mannerly.

***

Education is a means of culture; by it each one may contribute to the elevation of society. It softens the manners, refines the tastes, and fills the soul with nobler purposes and higher aspirations.

***

HOME may be the brightest place on earth, or it may be the gloomiest. To make it the grandest of all institutions — to make it the one place ever dear to the heart, should be the ambition alike of parents and children. While all can contribute to its joy and happiness, there is no concealing the fact that it is pre-eminently the kingdom of woman. It is hers to embellish it, to make it tasteful and cosy.

***

Husband and wife should remember that they have taken each other for better or for worse. Their companionship is to end only with death; hence they should see to it that their affection as lovers ripens into a permanent devotion. They can not become congenial companions without some effort to be such. If one should have tastes and inclinations to which the other is averse, they should not be obtruded. In matters where conscientious conviction is not involved, each should willingly yield to the other. One thing is indispensable to the happiness of married life, and that is, confidence in each other. 

***

Politeness is a habit. He who would be truly polite in society must render politeness habitual at home.

***

HOME is the fountain of life. If our character could be resolved into its elements, and these traced to their beginnings, the lines would all run back to home influence. There begin our earliest and best recollections. “The mother’s heart is the child’s first school-room.” The influence of home extends beyond the fireside and familiar walls, even to the third and fourth generations. Be, therefore, what you wish your children to be. 

***

Upon the mother devolves the duty of planting in the hearts of her children those seeds of love and virtue which shall develop useful and happy lives. There are no words to express the relation of a mother to her children. Indeed, it is more than a relation; they are the same bone and the same flesh. The mother’s supremest delight is in her children. They are the objects of her care and love. She cares not for the outward world, and is, in fact, alienated from it. Wealth may’ come to them, great honors may be heaped upon them, but she never thinks of them other than as her children.

***

Industry is a virtue; idleness is a vice. Industry sharpens the faculties of the mind and strengthens the sinews of the body, while indolence corrodes and weakens them. If the child is not industrious he soon becomes discontented, envious, jealous, and even vicious. “An idle brain is the devil’s work- shop.” In this busy world there is no room for idle men or women. They are dead weights on society. The industrious man is the happy man. He feels that he is doing something by his industry for society — at least, he is paying his own way through the world. Parents should encourage labor, in some useful form, as a duty. If you give your children money for any purpose, teach them to make some return for it — to engage in some extra work about the house or farm or office. Make them feel that they must earn their enjoyment. Industry is a security against shiftlessness and a lavish use of money. There is no virtue like that of industry

***

Industry is a virtue; idleness is a vice. Industry sharpens the faculties of the mind and strengthens the sinews of the body, while indolence corrodes and weakens them. If the child is not industrious he soon becomes discontented, envious, jealous, and even vicious. “An idle brain is the devil’s work- shop.” In this busy world there is no room for idle men or women. They are dead weights on society. The industrious man is the happy man. He feels that he is doing something by his industry for society — at least, he is paying his own way through the world. Parents should encourage labor, in some useful form, as a duty. If you give your children money for any purpose, teach them to make some return for it — to engage in some extra work about the house or farm or office. Make them feel that they must earn their enjoyment. Industry is a security against shiftlessness and a lavish use of money. There is no virtue like that of industry.

***

Cultivate the desire of your children for reading. First be a reader yourself, if possible; this will enable you to advise and direct the tastes of your children in this direction. Reading is not only valuable for the information it gives, but, what is of more value to the young, it redeems the hours from idleness and mischief. The habit of reading will keep your son in off the street at night, or from running over the country on idle days, in search of companions to help him kill time. It will turn the tastes of your daughter from the ballroom, and fit her for more cultivated society.

***

The very sight of a library is an inspiration.

***

A gentleman should never lower the intellectual standard in conversing with ladies. He should consider them as equal in understanding with himself. A lady of intelligence will not feel complimented by any means, if, when you talk to her, you “come down” to common-place topics.

***

A young lady should never walk the streets alone after dark.

***

READING gives fullness, writing exactness, and speaking readiness of information; but it remains for traveling to combine all of these things in one.

***

[…] the priceless essence of womanly worth which exists within the mind.

***

Women must have employment. Employment is the instrumentality, in making woman. No woman of health and sound mind should allow herself to be or feel dependent on anybody for her living. Thousands of women have no employment, and live through life in a state of abject dependence. What are they — what can they be, under such circumstances? They are nothing else than burdens to their fellow men. A woman can no more be a true woman than a man can be a true man, without employment and self-reliance. How can a woman who spends a listless, trifling life possess weight of character and force of mind and mental worth? How can she answer with honor to herself when she is called upon to do anything? Our homes are full of necessary and useful employment; girls must engage in it with zeal. Useful employment is the primary means of developing a true womanhood. Life is given that work may be done. We are here for a purpose. All young ladies should determine to do something for the honor and elevation of their sex. At least they should determine that they will possess and always wear about them, as their richest possession, a true womanhood.

***

Every such woman is a central sun, radiating intellectual and moral light, diffusing strength and life to all about her. Woman is the hope of the world.

***

When a couple become engaged, the gentleman presents the lady with a ring, which is worn on the right finger of the right hand.

***

The most approved bridal costume for young brides is of white silk, high corsage, a long veil of white tulle, reaching to the feet, and a wreath of maiden blush roses with orange blossoms. The roses she can continue to wear, but the orange blossoms are only suitable for the ceremony. 

***

The bridegroom and ushers, at a morning wedding, wear full morning dress, dark blue or black frock coats, or cut-aways, light neckties, and light trousers. The bridegroom wears white gloves. The ushers wear gloves of some delicate color.

***

When the bridal party has arranged itself for entrance, the ushers, in pairs, march slowly up to the altar, and turn to the right. Behind them follows the groom alone. When he reaches the altar, he turns, facing the aisle, to await the coming of his bride. After a slight interval, the bridesmaids follow, in pairs, and at the altar turn to the left. After another brief interval, the bride, alone and entirely veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows her companions. The groom comes forward a few steps to meet her, and taking her hand, places her at the altar. Both kneel for a moment’s silent devotion. The parents having followed her, stand just behind and partly to the left. The ceremony now proceeds as usual. While the bride and bridegroom are passing out of the church, the bridesmaids follow slowly, each upon the arm of an usher, and they afterward hasten on as speedily as possible to welcome the bride at her own door, and to arrange themselves about the bride and groom in the reception-room, half of the ladies upon her side and half upon his, the first bridesmaid retaining the place of honor.

***

A jeweled ring has been for many years the sign and symbol of betrothal, but at present a plain gold circlet with the date of the engagement inscribed within, is generally preferred. The ring is removed by the groom at the altar, passed to the clergyman and used in the ceremony. A jeweled ring is placed on her hand by the groom on the way home from church.

***

Wedding invitations should be handsomely engraved in script.

***

The invitation requires no answer. Friends living in other towns receiving it, enclose their cards and send by mail. The invitation to the wedding breakfast is enclosed in the same envelope, generally on a square card half the size of the sheet of note paper containing wedding invitation.

***

To every well-bred man and woman physical education is indispensable. It is the duty of a gentleman to know how to ride, to shoot, to fence, to box, to swim, to row, and to dance. He should be graceful. If attacked by ruffians, a man should be able to defend himself, and also to defend women from their insults. Dancing, skating, swimming, archery, games of lawn tennis, riding and driving, and croquet, all aid in developing and strengthening the muscles, and should be practiced by ladies. The better the physical training, the more self-possessed and graceful she will be. Open-air exercise is essential to good health and a perfect physical development.

***

Before we enter society we should subdue our gloomy moods. It is our duty to speak kindly and look pleasantly. Unless others make us the confidant of their woes, we should not inflict them with any dismal account of our health, state of mind or outward circumstances. We should appear sympathetic.

***

The art of being a good listener is almost as great as that of being a good talker; but you should do more than listen. It is your duty to seem interested in the conversation of those who are talking. To manifest impatience is a mark of low breeding.

***

THE PAPER, COTTON AND LEATHER WEDDINGS.  

The first anniversary of the wedding-day is called the paper wedding, the second the cotton wedding, and the third the leather wedding. Invitations to the first should be printed or written on a gray paper. Articles made of paper should be the only presents given.  

For the cotton wedding invitations should be printed on fine cotton cloth. Presents, if given, should be of articles of cotton cloth.  

Issue invitations for the leather wedding upon leather, nicely gotten up. Only presents of leather are appropriate.  

***

THE WOODEN WEDDING.  

The fifth anniversary of the marriage is called the wooden wedding. In issuing invitations use thin cards of wood, or enclose in an envelope a card of wood with invitation, which may be written upon wedding paper. Articles made of wood are suitable for presents.  

***

THE TIN WEDDING.  

The tin wedding is the tenth anniversary of the marriage. The invitations should be upon cards covered, with a tin card enclosed. Presents may be selected from the list of articles made of tin.  

***

THE CRYSTAL WEDDING.  

The fifteenth anniversary is called the crystal wedding. The invitations for this anniversary may be on wedding paper with a sheet of mica enclosed, thin transparent paper, or colored sheets of prepared gelatine. Presents should be articles of glass.  

***

THE FLORAL WEDDING.  

The floral wedding occurs on the twentieth anniversary of the wedding day. The invitations should be on exceedingly fine paper, elegantly printed and enclosed in an envelope, with a small pressed flower bearing a sentiment that you wish to express. If presents are offered, they may be tastefully arranged bouquets, wreaths or garlands, or floral emblems, suitable to that for which they are designed.  

***

THE SILVER WEDDING.  

The silver wedding is the twenty-fifth anniversary of the wedding-day. The invitations may be issued upon an excellent quality of note paper, printed in bright silver, with monogram or crest upon both paper and envelope, in silver also. Presents of silver are appropriate.  

***

THE PEARL WEDDING.  

The pearl wedding is the thirtieth anniversary. The invitations should be printed with pearl type on a very fine glazed card, oval-shaped, and of a silvery or bluish white color. Presents, if offered, should be articles of pearl.   

***

THE CHINA WEDDING.  

The china wedding is the thirty-fifth anniversary. The invitations for this wedding should be on a superior quality of fine, semi-transparent note paper or cards. Any article of china ware, useful or ornamental, is suitable for a present on this occasion.  

***

THE CORAL WEDDING.  

The coral wedding occurs on the fortieth anniversary of the marriage. Invitations maybe issued upon a fine wedding paper. Presents may be of white or red coral.  

***

THE BRONZE WEDDING.  

The forty-fifth anniversary of the wedding-day is called the bronze wedding. The invitations should be issued upon bronzed cards. Articles of bronze may be offered as presents.  

***

THE GOLDEN WEDDING.  

The close of half a century of married life is truly an event worthy of celebration. When man and wife have clung together and braved the storms of this life for fifty years, they certainly deserve hearty congratulations and offerings of gold. Invitations should be upon superfine note paper, printed in gold, with highly burnished crest or monogram on both paper and envelope. If presents are offered, they should be in gold.  

***

THE DIAMOND WEDDING.  

Diamond weddings are seldom celebrated. Few persons dwell together under the holy bonds of matrimony seventy-five years. So rare is the diamond wedding that no particular form of invitations is in use. A general offering of presents on this occasion is impossible, since the means of most persons will not admit of making gifts of diamonds.  

***

PRESENTS AT ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.  

Custom and the rules of etiquette do not require that an invitation to an anniversary wedding be acknowledged by a gift. The members of the family and intimate friends are usually the donors on such occasions, and may use their own judgment as to giving presents.   

It is not amiss and is generally customary in issuing invitations to a golden or silver wedding, to have printed at the bottom the words “No presents,” or to inclose a card announcing — “Presents are not expected.”  

***

INVITATIONS TO ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.  

Below is given a model invitation to an anniversary wedding. The names of the husband and wife, and the dates of the marriage and the anniversary may be inserted in their proper places.  

A proper variation will make the above form suitable for all anniversary weddings. 

***

THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY.  

The marriage ceremony is often repeated at silver or golden weddings. The officiating clergyman may so change the exact words of the marriage ceremony as to render them appropriate to the occasion. The earliest anniversaries are almost too mirthful occasions upon which to introduce this ceremony.

***

THE WEDDING DRESS.  

A full bridal costume should be white from head to foot. The dress may be of silk, heavily corded satin, or plain silk, merino, alpaca, crape, lawn or muslin. The veil may be of lace, tulle or illusion, but it must be long and full. It may or may not cover the face. Orange blossoms or other white flowers and maiden blush roses should form the bridal wreaths and bouquets. The dress is high, and the arms covered. Slippers of white satin and white kid gloves complete the dress.  

***

DRESS AT WEDDING RECEPTIONS.  

Full evening dress should be worn by the guests at evening receptions. No one should attend in black or mourning dress, which should give place to grey or lavender. At a morning reception of the wedded couple, guests should wear the richest street costume with white gloves.  

***

MOURNING.  

In the United States no prescribed periods for wearing mourning garments have been fixed upon. When the grief is profound no rules are needed. But where persons wear mourning for style and not for feeling, there is need of fixed rules. For deep mourning one should wear the heaviest black of serge, bombazine, lustreless alpaca, delaine, merino or similar heavily clinging material, with crape collar and cuffs. Mourning dresses should not be trimmed. No ruffles, bows, or flounces are admissible. The bonnet is of black crape; a hat should never be worn. The veil is of crape or barege with heavy border; black gloves are worn and black bordered handkerchiefs should be used. Black furs may be worn in winter. Jewelry is forbidden; jet pins and buckles should be used. Black silk and alpaca trimmed with crape may be worn for second mourning with white collars and cuffs. The crape veil is laid aside for net or tulle, but the jet jewelry is still retained. A less degree of mourning is worn of black and white, purple and gray, or a combination of these colors. Crape is retained in bonnet trimming and crape flowers may be added. Light gray, white and black, and light shades of lilac indicate a slight mourning. A black lace bonnet, with white or violet flowers, supersedes crape, and jet or gold jewelry is worn.  

***

PERIODS OF WEARING MOURNING.  

The deepest mourning is that worn by a widow for her husband. It is worn two years, sometimes longer. Widow’s mourning for the first year consists of solid black woolen goods, collar and cuffs of folded untrimmed crape, a simple crape bonnet, and a long, thick, black crape veil. The second year, silk trimmed with crape, black lace collar and cuffs, and a shorter veil may be worn, and in the last six months gray, violet and white are permitted. A widow should wear her hair perfectly plain, and should always wear a bonnet; never a hat.  

The mourning for a father or mother is worn for one year. The first six months the proper dress is of solid black woolen goods trimmed with crape, black crape bonnet with black crape facings and black strings, black crape veil, collar and cuffs of black crape. Three months, black silk with crape trimming, white or black lace collar and cuffs, veil of tulle and white bonnet facings; and the last three months in gray, purple and violet. Mourning worn for a child is the same as that worn for a parent.  

Mourning for a grandparent is worn for six months. Three months black woolen goods, white collar and cuffs, short crape veil and bonnet of crape trimmed with black silk or ribbon ; six weeks in black silk trimmed with crape, lace collar and cuffs, short tulle veil; and six weeks in gray, purple, white and violet.  

Mourning worn for a friend who leaves you an inheritance, is the same as that worn for a grandparent.  

Mourning for a brother or sister is worn for six months, two months in solid black trimmed with crape, white linen collar and cuffs, bonnet of black with white facing and black strings ; two months in black silk, with white lace collar and cuffs; and two months in gray, purple, white and violet.  

Mourning for an uncle or aunt is worn for three months, and is the second mourning named above, tulle, white linen and white bonnet facings being worn at once. For a nephew or niece, the same is worn for the same length of time.  

The deepest mourning excludes kid gloves; they should be of cloth, silk or thread; and no jewelry is permitted during the first month of close mourning. Embroidery, jet trimmings, puffs, plaits — in fact, trimming of any kind — is forbidden in deep mourning, but worn when it is lightened.  

Mourning handkerchiefs should be of very sheer fine linen, with a border of black, very wide for close mourning, narrower as the black is lightened.  

Mourning silks should be perfectly lustreless, and the ribbons worn without any gloss.  

Ladies invited to funeral ceremonies should always wear a black dress, even if they are not in mourning; and it is bad taste to appear with a gay bonnet or shawl, as if for a festive occasion.  

The mourning for children under twelve years of age is white in summer and gray in winter, with black trimmings, belt, sleeve ruffles and bonnet ribbons.  

***

LETTER WRITING.

LETTER writing, practically considered, is the most important of all kinds of composition. It is indispensable in business, for much of business must be done by correspondence. A person who is able to write well is more likely to be called to a desirable situation than he who is deficient in the art. By letter writing, much can be done to maintain and strengthen our social ties. In receiving letters from absent friends, there is a pleasure that no one would wish to forego. The culture of a person is plainly indicated by his letters; “and it is as great a violation of propriety to send an awkward and badly written letter, as it is to appear in the company of refined people, with swaggering gait, soiled linen, and unkempt hair.” Letter writing is a practical exercise in English composition, and can be practiced by persons of any age or position. Many distinguished writers of other kinds of composition, have acquired much of their power of expression by their practice of writing letters. The advantages of the art are so obvious that arguments in its favor are not a necessity.  

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PAPER.  

Most of the letters written now-a-days are on note paper. That called “commercial note” is generally used by gentlemen; smaller sizes are preferred by ladies. A private letter should never be written on foolscap paper. If its use be necessary, an apology should be made for it. A social letter ought to be written on a whole sheet of paper; and except on business, a half-sheet letter should never be sent. For any kind of letter no color is more tasteful than white, and gentlemen should use it exclusively. Paper delicately tinted and perfumed may be used by a lady; but its use by a gentleman would be out of taste. Paper with a black border is called “mourning paper;” this, with envelopes to match, may be used by persons who mourn the loss of a relative. “The width of the border should correspond somewhat to the nearness of the relationship and the recentness of the bereavement.” Ruled or plain paper maybe used without violating good taste; but unruled paper is preferable because it is more stylish, and furnishes opportunity for writing much or little on a page. The practice of putting lines under plain paper to aid in writing straight, is not to be commended, since it consumes time and prevents the proper discipline of the hand. 

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ENVELOPES.  

The envelope should be of the same color or tint as that of the paper, and should be a little longer than the width of the written page. In their correspondence with one another, gentlemen may use either white or buff envelopes; “but it is not allowable to send a buff envelope to a lady, nor do ladies use that kind at all.” It is necessary to avoid the use of inferior paper and envelopes; fine paper seems to inspire fine thoughts.  

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INK.  

Black ink is in better taste than fancy inks, and is more desirable and durable. A letter ought not to be written with red ink. From the fact that black ink does not fade, it is used exclusively for copying records in the War Department at Washington.  

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HEADING.  

The heading is “a statement of the place where, and the time when, a letter was written.” If the “place” is in a large city, the heading should give the number, the street, the city and the state. The name of the state may be omitted if the locality is in a very large city. It is regarded as absurd to write, “220 Nassau Street, New York City, N. Y.” When a letter is written at a place outside of a city, the heading should embrace the name of the post- office and that of the state. The name of the county should be given in the heading of a business letter, and ought to be named in all letters, unless the writer is corresponding from a place whose locality is well known to the person addressed. The date consists of the month, the day of the month, and the year, as, “Nov. 12, 1882.” When the day of the week is important, it is written at the beginning of the date: “Saturday, Nov. 12, 1882.” The year is often omitted, when it is of less consideration than the day of the week. The heading may occupy from one to three lines, and “should begin on the first line, a little to the left of the middle.” A short heading can be written on one line, and it may be laid down as a rule, that the heading should contain as few lines as possible consistent with neatness. The model headings that follow indicate the position that the beginning of each line should occupy, and also show the punctuation of the parts of the heading. Business letters are always dated at the top. Social letters and those written in the third person are often dated at the bottom without violating any rule of propriety. When this is done, “the place and date must be begun near the left edge of the paper, on the next line below that on which the signature is written.”

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THE INTRODUCTION.  

The introduction consists of the address and the salutation. The address comprises the title and name of the person written to, and his directions. In the following example: Mr. John J. Curtis, 23 High St., Boston; Mr. John J. Curtis is the title and name, and 23 High St., Boston, the directions. This address is the same as that which is put upon envelopes, and is called the “inside address” to distinguish it from the superscription, which is called the “outside address.” The name should be written so that it can be read easily, and politeness requires that some title should be added to it. As a rule, two titles can not be joined to one name; but to this there are two exceptions. When addressing a clergyman whose surname alone is known to us, we may write Rev. Mr. Spears, the Mr. being regarded as a substitute for the Christian name; and if a married man has a professional or literary title prefixed to his name, Mrs. may be used before it to denote his wife, as Mrs. Secretary Blaine. The directions must comprise the name of the post-office nearest the person addressed, and the state in which it is situated. The name of the county is necessary if the post-office is in a town not well known. If it be in a city, the number of the house, the street, the city, and the state should be given. The name of the state can be omitted if the post-office be in a large city. In business letters the address should be in full, and it ought to be found in every letter since the envelope is liable to be torn or lost, thus preventing the communication from reaching the person to whom it was written. The salutation is the term of politeness used to introduce a letter, as Dear Sir, My Dear Friend, My Honored, Father. Business letters generally begin with Sir, Dear Sir, Sirs, or Gentlemen. Never use “Gents.” for Gentlemen, nor “Dr.” for Dear. For a letter addressed to a married woman or a single woman not young, the proper salutation is Madam, Dear Madam, or My Dear Madam. In a business letter to a young unmarried lady, the address alone is generally used as introduction, that the repetition of Miss may be avoided. The kinds of salutation used depend upon the feelings of the writer and his relation to the person addressed. Extravagant salutations, such as Darlingest of Darlings should not be indulged in, since to sensible people the expressions sound flat and silly. Under the heading Models of Introduction, various forms of salutation can be seen. The place of the address in business letters and in those addressed to persons with whom we have but little acquaintance, is at the top of the page; in letters to relatives or very intimate friends, the address should be written at the bottom. The address should be on the first line below the date, and should begin at the marginal line that is from one-fourth of an inch to one inch from the left edge of the sheet. It may occupy from one to three lines. The first line should contain only the name and title, the second should contain the directions, if the last word is an abbreviation or a short word; but if the last item be a long word, it should be on the third line. The initial letters on the lines containing the address should be in a line sloping downward to the right as may be seen in the models. When the address makes three lines, the position of the first letter of the salutation is under the initial letter of the items on the second line of the address (Model 1), or under that of the first (Model 2). The former arrangement is preferred. If the address makes two lines, the salutation should begin about one inch from the initial letter of the second line (Model 3), or else under the initial letter of the first line (Model 4). When the address is on one line, the salutation should begin about one inch to the right of the marginal line (Model 5). If there is no address at the top, the salutation begins at the marginal line (Model 6). The salutation in familiar letters is often incorporated in the first sentence of the letter. When this occurs, the letter begins almost one-sixth of the distance from the left edge of the paper to the right edge (Model 7). Irregularity prevails in the punctuation of the introduction, but the following models give sufficient information on the subject for correct and polite letter writing:  

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BODY OF THE LETTER.  

The body of the letter is that part of the communication that is between the introduction and conclusion. It should begin under the end of the salutation; but when the address is long, it may begin on the same line, a comma and a dash, or a colon and a dash, being placed between the last word of the salutation and the first word of the letter. (See Model 3 under Models of Introduction.)  

A blank margin that varies with the width of the paper should always be left on the left hand side of each page. The margin should be perfectly even, and should never be so wide or so narrow as to go beyond the limits of taste. On large letter-paper it should be about an inch; on note-paper, about three-eighths of an inch. When the sheet is quite small, a quarter of an inch is sufficient. A letter should be divided into paragraphs according to the rules for other composition. The first word of a paragraph should begin about one-sixth of the way across the line from left to right.  

The penmanship should be legible, neat, and elegant. Flourishes in a letter are out of place, skipping pages is not to be commended, crossing letters is not entirely respectful to the person addressed and blots and interlineations are not allowable.  

The closing lines of the body of the letter are usually some expression of respect or attachment; as in the following examples:  

“Deign, madam, to receive the assurance of my respectful attachment.”  

“Accept, madam, the homage of my respect.”  

“The sentiments with which you have inspired me, sir, are equally sincere and permanent.”  

“My tender and respectful attachment will end only with my life.”  

“I have the honor to be, sir, with sentiments of respect and consideration.”  

The closing lines, such as the preceding, are found with the ordinary formula that constitutes the conclusion. 

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THE CONCLUSION.  

The conclusion consists of the complimentary close, and the signature; it also contains the address of the person written to, if the same is not found in the introduction.  

The complimentary close is the phrase of respect used at the end of a letter. It admits of a great variety of forms on social letters, such as your friend, ever yours, your affectionate father, etc.; but in letters written on business, or to strangers and mere acquaintances, the usual form is yours truly, or yours respectfully, which admits of but slight variation, as yours very truly, or truly yours. Official letters have a more formal close than others, as:  

I have the honor to be, sir, with the highest consideration,  

Your obedient servant,  

A. B.  

The signature is the name of the writer, and it should be attached to every letter, the name being written plainly and in full. If the writer is a lady, she should sign her name so as to indicate her sex, and whether she is married or single, this can be done by prefixing Miss or Mrs. A married lady generally uses her husband’s name, to which she prefixes the title Mrs. if he is living; otherwise, she should use her own name.  

The position for the complimentary close is on the line immediately below the body of the letter and may occupy from one to three lines.  

The signature is written near the right-hand edge of the sheet, on the line below the complimentary close.  

The close and the signature must be arranged so that the initial letter of the lines will present a regular slope downward and to the right.  

If the address is not written at the top of the letter, it should be placed at the close, the beginning of the first word being located at the marginal line and on the line immediately below the signature.  

The proper punctuation of the complimentary close and the signature can be learned by consulting the […]

***

FOLDING.  

Folding is a very simple matter, but it is often very awkwardly done.  

The paper should be folded so that the edges of the letter will be exactly even. The folds ought to be pressed with the thumb or a paper knife, so as to give them a neat appearance. Fine paper, of medium thickness, is most suitable for letters. The letter should be inserted in such a manner that, when taken out in the usual way and unfolded, it will be right end up.  

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THE SUPERSCRIPTION.  

The superscription is the address written on the envelope, and consists of the name and title of the person to whom the letter is sent, and his full directions. It is called the outside address, to distinguish it from the address at the head or foot of the letter. What is said concerning those three items in the remark on the “inside address,” applies with equal fitness to the “outside address,” and need not be mentioned here.  

The upper edge of the envelope is the open one. Have that edge from you when you write the superscription, otherwise it will be upside down. The writing should be in straight lines, parallel with the upper edge of the envelope; the foolish affectation of writing diagonally across the corner is to be avoided. It is out of taste to use envelopes that are ruled either by a pen or some sharp-pointed instrument for making indentations. If you can not write straight without lines, slip into the envelope a card ruled heavily, so that the lines will show through. This may be used till straight lines can be written without the aid of ruled envelopes. The name should be a little below the middle of the envelope, the initial letter being near the left edge, “sometimes close to it, sometimes one or two inches from it, according to circumstances; and the other parts should be written at equal distances under it, each a little farther to the right, so that the last part shall come near the right-hand corner.”  

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THE STAMP.  

Before sending a letter, affix to it a proper stamp. The communication will not be forwarded unless it is prepaid one full rate.  

The stamp should be affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the face of the envelope, at about one-sixteenth of an inch from the top and one-eighth of an inch from the end.  

The stamp is a picture, and should be right end up its edges being parallel with those of the envelope. “Putting the stamp on upside down or awry indicates carelessness rather than rapidity, and any appearance of carelessness in a letter is disrespectful to the person to whom it is sent.”  

Be sure to put on an envelope as many stamps as are necessary to send the letter; two stamps should be used if you are not certain that one is sufficient.  

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A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.  

As a guide is to a man in an unknown land, so is a letter of introduction to a man in a strange community. A person going to a strange place ought to be prepared with, such a valuable aid. A letter of this kind properly prepared must be brief, and must contain the full name and address of the person introduced, to which should be added an expression stating the pleasure that you think the new acquaintance will create. A letter of introduction may be sealed by the person introduced, but not by the writer. A gentleman delivering to a lady a letter that introduces him is at liberty to call upon her. By sending her a card he can ascertain whether it is more convenient to receive him then or appoint another hour that is more convenient.  

Great caution must be exercised in giving a letter of introduction. The writer must be well acquainted with the one introduced and with the person to whom he writes. A well-bred gentleman or lady who is the recipient of such a letter will, in twenty-four hours, attend to the demands of the letter by inviting the person introduced to dine, or engage in some agreeable pastime or amusement.  

A letter of introduction is often left with a card; in such a case a gentleman in the family may call upon the stranger the following day, or he may send a card with an invitation. Should the letter introduce a gentleman to a lady, she may answer by a note of invitation appointing a time for him to call.  

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FAMILY LETTERS.  

Letters written from one member of a family to another are less formal than any other kind of epistolary correspondence. They should exhibit some characteristics of the writer; should contain information on minor matters as well as on subjects of more importance; and should be written so as to give the greatest amount of satisfaction to the recipient.  

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LETTERS OF FRIENDSHIP. 

Letters of friendship are more formal than family letters, contain less gossip, and embrace matters in which both the writer and recipient are interested. Such letters should be answered with sufficient promptness to keep alive the friendship between the correspondents, unless there be a desire for this to cool.  

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THE BUSINESS LETTER.  

This should be embraced in a few words and should relate directly to the business in hand. If an apology or explanation is necessary, let it be inserted after the business portion of the letter is finished. A business letter should be answered as soon as possible after its receipt. The response in some cases, may be on the same page with the original letter; but this kind of reply should not be made, save when the points in question are few and brief.  

There is a difference between an ordinary promissory note and a note payable in bank, that every person should understand. These notes are equally binding as to the original parties, but when transferred, the conditions change. A person in purchasing an ordinary note simply takes the place of the original payee, and is liable to any offset the payer may have. On the other hand, a note payable in bank, in the hands of a third party, is collectible whatever may be the offset against it, or whatever the fraud practiced in securing it; provided, the holder when buying the note was ignorant of such fraud. Sharpers often take advantage of people not understanding the nature of a bank note. A person is often induced to sign a note with a written contract, that it is not to be paid unless certain conditions are fulfilled. The note is then detached from the contract and sold to an innocent purchaser and is then collectible, whatever the fraud may have been. A plain note under such circumstances would not be collectible. All notes are transferable whatever be their form. Notes may provide for attorney’s fees or not as parties agree. All notes must read for value received. A bank note to have all its force must be transferred before due. A note does not draw interest unless it is specified in the note.  

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LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION AND CONDOLENCE.  

They should be brief, and confined to the matter for which you offer your congratulations or condolence. A letter of congratulation may be written to any acquaintance whom you wish to inform of the pleasure you derive from his success; while a letter of condolence should be sent only to intimate friends or relatives, and should express real feeling for those in bereavement.  

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THE LOVE LETTER.  

A love letter should be dignified in tone and expressive of esteem and affection. It should be free from silly and extravagant expressions, and contain nothing of which the writer would be ashamed were the letter to fall under the eyes of any person beside the one to whom it was written.  

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REPLIES.  

A reply should promptly follow the receipt of a letter; it can not be civilly delayed for any great length of time. It is customary to begin a reply by noticing the date of the letter to which an answer is given.  

One of the following forms is generally adopted : 

“I hasten to answer the letter which you did me the honor of writing on the ;”  

“I have received the letter with which you honored me on the ;”  

“I have not been able, until this moment, to answer the letter which you did me the honor of writing on the .”  

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RULES OF EPISTOLARY COMPOSITION.  

1. Every letter is of some importance: remember this before you begin to write.  

2. Do not consult grammarians, or lexicons, when you write a letter; depend rather on an attentive perusal of the best epistolary authors of both sexes. Study the letters of women in preference to those of men.  

3. Before you begin a letter, imagine that you are in the presence of the absent person; converse with him, pen in hand.  

4. Julius Caesar dictated several letters at once; do not imitate the Dictator of Rome, compose but one letter at a time.  

5. In your letters to a man in office, or to a protector, beware of exhibiting more intellect than he possesses.  

6. Do not write a letter of reproof, immediately after a liberal repast.  

7. Never write long letters to persons in easy circumstances.  

8. During your whole life, write to your instructors or instructresses with as much respect and gratitude as to your parents.  

9. In your letters, ask nothing and refuse nothing, which would cause you to blush, if you were to make the request or denial in person.  

10. Write all your letters in a simple style; especially those which are addressed to the unlearned, and to men of sense.  

11. When you propose to be laconic in your letters, avoid dryness; a dry style is the evidence of a barren mind.  

12. A letter is like a nosegay; the thoughts should be well assorted.  

13. In a crowd of persons, there are no two countenances exactly alike; let the case be the same with your letters.  

14. Speak of your friends, as if they were present; write to them in the same manner.  

15. In your letters, accommodate yourself to the respective capacities of your correspondents. A young man should slacken his pace, when he walks with an old gentleman, or with a lady.  

16. Do not amass a previous store of brilliant or profound ideas in order to dispose of them in your letters as occasion may require. In the epistolary style, it is especially true, that we must live from day to day.  

17. Every kind of style may enter into the composition of letters. In this respect everything depends on the subject and the writer. The sublime does not exclude simplicity; on the contrary, it includes it.  

18. If you can not avoid superfluities, in your letters, be incorrect rather than pedantic.  

19. Do not meditate long before writing a letter; but invariably revise it, after it is written.  

20. Be sparing in the use of puns in conversation; employ them still more sparingly in your letters.  

21. A father and son should not address each other as companions; but the letters of brothers may resemble those of friends.  

22. The mutual letters of a married pair, when absent from each other, should be affectionate and delicate. Many things should be the mere subjects of conjecture; they may occasionally be spoken, but never committed to writing.  

23. Let your tongue and your pen have full scope; but act like a skillful horseman, and let them constantly feel, that they shall be free, only while they abstain from abusing the liberty which you grant to them in your conversations or letters.  

24. Be brief when you write to magistrates; they have neither time nor patience to read long epistles.  

25. Where you inflict censure, or bestow praise in your letters, be concise.  

26. Let every expression in your letters have the air of civility. This will render affected compliments and politeness unnecessary. Too many persons are polite in order to avoid civility.  

27. Never send a letter which has produced weariness or trouble in writing. It would certainly weary the reader.  

28. When you are thirsty, you drain a cup at a single draught. Attend to the proper time for composition, and let your letter be commenced and finished, as it were with a single stroke of the pen.  

29. In all your conversations, forbear to sacrifice truth to considerations of civility or respect; avoid the same fault in your letters. A spoken falsehood is a great evil; a written falsehood is a still greater one.  

30. As the first thoughts are often the best, be careful to answer a letter without delay. No harm, however, will result from deferring the reply for a day or two, especially if it relates to an affair of importance.  

***

NOTES.  

NOTES, as considered in this book, are brief messages pertaining to transient and local interest, by which persons in the same community make known to one another their wishes, compliments or commands Notes, or billets, differ from ordinary letters in the four particulars: First, they are more formal; second, they are written wholly, or partly, in the third person; third, the date is generally at the bottom; fourth, they are without signature. Notes are appropriately used between equals in all matters of ceremony, such as weddings and dinners, and in brief communications between persons but slightly acquainted. They may be used between unequals in any brief and formal message.  

It is difficult to write a note in the third person, and great care must be taken not to change from the third person to the first or second.  

The paper and envelopes used for notes should be plain and of the best quality. White paper is always in good taste. For weddings no other kind is allowable, but for other occasion delicate tints may be used. The styles of note are constantly varying, hence no definite size or shape can be given.  

Wedding notes always bear a monogram consisting of the combined initials of the bridegroom and bride. Besides the fine envelopes that enclose what is written, outside envelopes, as a protection, are generally used. These are indispensable when notes are sent by mail. In such cases the full address should be written on the outside envelope, and the name only on the inner one.  

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STYLE.  

The most fashionable notes are characterized by simplicity. The language is concise, courteous, plain and beautiful. Flourishes are out of place. Refined taste exhibits itself in richness of material, beauty of form, harmony of parts, and perfect adaptation to circumstances, rather than in excessive display.  

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INVITATIONS- WEDDING.  

Wedding invitations are issued by the parents or nearest friends of the bride, about ten days before the ceremony. They may be written or printed on note paper or on cards, but for all ceremonious invitations the note form is preferred. Notes printed from engraved plates are greatly superior to those printed from type, and are used almost exclusively by fashionable people. When an answer is desired, the letters “R. S. V. P.” or the words, “The favor of an answer is requested,” are written or printed at the bottom.  

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ANNOUNCEMENTS.  

ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS, DINNERS, PARTIES,  

RECEPTIONS AND BALLS.  

These topics are treated of with sufficient fullness in the chapters on their respective subjects, and need not be noticed here, since in the proper connection model notes for invitations are given.  

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ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS . 

An acceptance is an affirmative answer; a regret is a non-acceptance. An invitation to a dinner should be promptly accepted or declined. Wedding invitations and receptions do not require an acceptance unless they contain the letters “R. S. V. P.” or their equivalent. This may be said of invitations to parties and balls. Invitations to weddings, receptions and balls should be answered, if an answer is required, not later than the third day. The answer to a joint note from a husband and wife, should be addressed on the envelope to the wife alone; but the answer should contain within it a recognition of both persons.  

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SUPERSCRIPTION AND DELIVERY.  

The superscription on the envelope proper consists of the name alone, written as on an ordinary letter.  

The former practice of writing “present” under the name is now discarded. “The outside envelope should have upon it the full address of the person who receives it.”  

Notes are usually delivered by a private messenger; but the mail is used to convey notes to persons living in another town or city, or in distant parts of the same city.  

***

CARDS.  

To cultured and refined people, the visiting card conveys an unmistakable intelligence; but to the uncultured and unrefined, it is nothing more than a bit of paper, which to them has no significance whatever. The social position of a stranger is often determined by the texture, style of engraving, and the hour of leaving a card — indeed, the card is an exponent of one’s social standing. A perfect breeding may be easily expressed in the fashionable formalities of cards. The elegance of social forms are observed and preserved in proportion to the degree of culture and civilization of any community. Cards should be of fine texture, in plain script, or nicely written, and of medium size.  

***

CALLING CARDS.  

Nothing but the name should be on a card used in calling. The street and number may be on the card of the husband, but when necessary may be written in pencil by a lady. A business card must not be used for a friendly call. A physician may put the prefix “Dr,” or the affix “M. D.,” upon his card, and an army or navy officer his rank and branch of service.  

***

CARD TO SERVE FOR CALLS.  

A card may be made to serve the purpose of a call. It may be sent in an envelope, or left in person. In the latter case, one corner should be turned down, if for the lady of the house. Fold the card in the middle, if you wish to indicate that the call is on several, or all the members of the family. Leave a card for each guest, should any be visiting at the house.  

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A CARD ENCLOSED IN AN ENVELOPE.  

A card enclosed in an envelope for the purpose of returning a call made in person, expresses a desire that visiting between the parties be ended. When such is not the intention, cards should not be enclosed in an envelope. P. P. C. cards are sent by post, and are the only cards that are, as yet, universally considered admissible to be sent in this way. Cards sent to the newly married living in other cities, or in answering wedding cards forwarded when absent from home, may be enclosed and sent by post.  

***

SIZE AND STYLE.  

The cards of unmarried or married men should be small. For married persons a medium size is in better taste than a large card. The engraving in simple writing is preferred, and without flourishes. Printed letters, large or small, are very commonplace, no matter what the type may be. The “Mr.” before the name should be dispensed with by young men.  

***

CARD FOR MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.  

A young lady may, with propriety, have cards of her own; or her name may be engraved or printed on her mother’s cards, both in script. It is also fashionable for the daughter’s name to be printed on the same card with the names of her father and mother.  

***

WEDDING CARDS.  

Wedding cards are only sent to those people whom the newly married couple desire to keep among their acquaintances, and it is then the duty of those receiving the cards to call first on the young couple.  

***

P. P. C. CARDS.  

“P. P. C.” (Pour prendre conge) should be written in one corner of a card left at a farewell visit, before a long protracted absence. Such cards may be sent by messenger, or by post, it not being necessary to deliver them in person. It is not customary to send “P. P. C.” cards when the absence from home is only for a few months, nor when starting in midsummer for a foreign country. They are sent by ladies just previous to their contemplated marriage to serve the purpose of a call.  

***

LEAVE CARDS IN MAKING FIRST CALLS.  

In making the first calls of the season, both ladies and gentlemen should each leave a card, at every house called upon, even if the ladies are receiving. The number and street should be written on the cards of young gentlemen.  

***

LEAVE CARDS AFTER AN INVITATION.  

Cards must be left with those who have sent invitations, whether accepted or not. If it is desired to end the acquaintance, the cards can be left without inquiring whether the ladies are at home, but they must be left in person.  

When gentlemen are only on terms of formal visiting, they should not expect to receive invitations from ladies, until the yearly autumnal call has been made, or until their cards have been left to represent themselves.  

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A BRIDEGROOM’S CARD.  

The bridegroom often sends his bachelor card (enclosed in an envelope) to those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to continue on visiting terms. Those who receive a card should call on the bride, within ten days after she has taken possession of her new home.  

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FUNERALS.  

THE saddest of all duties to perform is our duty to the dead. It becomes us to show in every possible way our sympathies for the bereaved and the deepest respect for the solemn occasion. Of late, forms of ostentation at funerals are gradually diminishing, and by some even mourning habiliments are rejected in whole or in part.  

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INVITATION TO A FUNERAL.  

It is customary in cities to give notice of death and announcement of funeral through the newspaper, but for fear it will not reach all in time, invitations are sent to personal and family friends of the deceased.  

Private invitations are usually printed on fine small note paper with a heavy black border, and in such form as the following:  

***

FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS.  

It is customary to trust the details of the arrangements for a funeral to some relative or friend of the family; or, if there be none such, it can be safely left with the undertaker. It is prudent to name a limit for the expenses of the funeral, and the means of the family should of course govern this. Pomp and display should always be avoided. The lesson of death is too solemn to be made the occasion of mere show.  

***

THE HOUSE OF MOURNING.

Upon entering the house of mourning the hat should be removed, and all loud talking or confusion avoided. All differences and quarrels should be forgotten and enemies who meet at a funeral should treat each other with respect and dignity. No calls of condolence should be made upon the bereaved family while the dead remains in the house, and members of the family may be excused from receiving any but their most intimate friends at that time. The bell knob or door handle is draped with black crape, with a black ribbon tied on, if the deceased is married or advanced in years, and with a white ribbon if young or unmarried.  

***

FUNERAL SERVICES.  

If the services are held at the house, some near friend or relative will receive the guests. The immediate members of the family and near relatives should take a final view of the corpse just before the arrival of the guests, and should not make their appearance again until about time for the services to commence. The clergyman in taking his position should accommodate himself to the hearing of all, if possible, but especially to the family and near relatives, who will probably be in a room to themselves. In such case he should stand in the doorway. The guests will have taken a last look at the corpse before seating themselves, and at the conclusion of the services the coffin lid is closed, and the remains are borne to the hearse. The custom of opening the coffin at church, unless the person is one of distinguished prominence, is fast falling into disuse.  

***

THE PALL-BEARERS.  

The pall-bearers, usually six, but sometimes eight in number, are generally chosen from the intimate acquaintances of the deceased, and of nearly the same age. If they walk to the cemetery, they take their position in equal numbers on either side of the hearse.  

***

ORDER OF THE PROCESSION.  

The carriages containing the clergymen and pall-bearers precede the hearse, immediately followed by the carriages of the nearest relatives, more distant relatives and friends, respectively. When societies or masonic bodies take part in the procession they precede the hearse. The horse of a deceased mounted military officer, fully caparisoned and draped in mourning, will be led immediately after the hearse. As the mourners pass out to enter the carriages, the guests stand with uncovered heads. No salutations are given or received. The person who officiates as master of ceremonies assists the mourners to enter and alight from the carriages. At the cemetery the clergyman or priest precedes the coffin.  

***

FLORAL DECORATIONS.  

The decorations for the coffin are usually flowers, arranged in a beautiful wreath for a child or young person, and a cross for a married person. The flowers are mostly white. Friends may send floral devices as a mark of esteem. These should be sent in time for decorative purposes.  

***

CALLS UPON THE BEREAVED FAMILY.  

Friends may call upon the bereaved family in a week after burial and acquaintances within a month. It is the custom for friends to wear no bright colors when making their calls of condolence. Short notes of condolence may be sent as an expression of sympathy. Formal notes of condolence are no longer sent.  

***

HABILIMENTS OF MOURNING.  

Custom prescribes some indication of one’s bereavement in their dress. They who choose to adopt this custom may do so with perfect propriety. The widow dresses in mourning for life, or until a subsequent marriage. For the loss of a brother or sister or son or daughter, six months or -a year, as they may prefer.  

***

WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.  

To our National Capital, where social standing is determined by official rank, there are some special rules of etiquette which we shall briefly notice in this chapter.  

***

THE PRESIDENT.  

The President is regarded as “the first man in the nation,” socially as well as officially. There is no special set of formalities necessary for forming his acquaintance. He receives calls, but is not required to return them. He is addressed as “Mr. President” or “Your Excellency.”  

When the President gives up the morning hours to receiving calls, those who have business with him take precedence over those who have not. In either case the caller is summoned into the room occupied by the President’s secretaries. Here he presents his card and is shown in to the President. The person who has no business with the President simply pays his respects and withdraws. On a private call it is always better to secure the services of some official, or friend of the President, to go with you and introduce you.  

***

RECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.  

While congress is in session, stated receptions are given at the White House which all are permitted to attend. The caller gives his name to the usher upon entering the reception room. The usher announces the name, and as the caller approaches the President, he is introduced by an official appointed for that purpose. Having been presented to the President and the members of his family, the guest passes on and mingles in the social intercourse of those assembled. A caller may leave his card if he wishes.  

***

PRESIDENTIAL STATE DINNERS.  

At state dinners given by the President, the same rules prevail as at any other formal dinner, but precedence is given to the guests according to official station. An invitation from the President can not be refused, and it affords a sufficient excuse for breaking any other engagement; but the parties with whom you may have other engagements should be informed of your invitation from the President.  

***

MEMBERS OF THE PRESIDENTIAL FAMILY.  

The wife of the President is not obliged to return calls, though she may visit those who are special friends, or whom she wishes to honor by her company.  

The other members of the President’s family may receive and return calls.  

***

NEW YEARS RECEPTIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.  

New Year’s receptions are the most ceremonious occasions which occur at the White House. Ladies appear in the most elegant toilets suitable for a morning reception, and members of foreign legations appear in the court dress of their respective nationalities.  

***

ORDER OF OFFICIAL RANK.  

Next in rank to the President are, the Chief Justice, the Vice-President, and Speaker of the House of Representatives. These receive the first visits from all others. Next in order are the General of the Army, and the Admiral of the Navy. All these, so far mentioned, receive the first call from the representatives. The wife of any official is entitled to the same social precedence as her husband. Among officers of the army and navy, the Lieu tenant- General corresponds to the Vice- Admiral, the Major-General to the Rear- Admiral, Brigadier- General to Commodore, Colonel to Captain in the navy, and so on.  

***

CABINET OFFICERS.  

On all ordinary occasions the cabinet officers take equal rank. When it becomes necessary in state ceremony to have some order of precedence, it is as follows:  

Secretary of State, of the Treasury, of War, of the Navy, the Postmaster-General, Secretary of the Interior, Attorney-General.  

The wives of the cabinet officers, or the ladies of the household, give receptions on every Wednesday during the season, from the first of January till Lent. On these occasions, all who wish to do so, are at liberty to call, and refreshments are served. The ladies of the family are under obligations to return these calls and leave the cards of the cabinet officers, with an invitation to an evening reception. 

Cabinet officers are expected to entertain, by dinners and otherwise, senators, representatives and other high officials and distinguished visitors at Washington, as well as the ladies of their respective families. Hours for calling at the capital are usually from two till half past five.  

***

SENATORS AND REPRESENTATIVES.  

It is optional with senators, representatives and all other officials, except President and cabinet officers, whether they entertain.  

***

FOREIGN TITLES.  

In this country where titles are not handed down from father to son, but won, if at all, by each for himself, we naturally know but little of hereditary titles. In Europe it is quite different, and, as many of our citizens go abroad, it will be well that they be informed upon this subject. For, in Europe, to fail to give a person his or her proper title is a serious breach of manners, and one not readily overlooked,  

***

ROYALTY.  

The head of the social structure in England is the King and Queen. They are addressed under the form “Your Majesty.” Second in rank is the Prince of Wales, heir- apparent to the throne. The other children while in their minority are all known as princes and princesses. The eldest of the princesses is the crown princess. When they attain to their majority the princes become dukes, and the princesses retain their former title, adding that of their husbands when they marry. Members of the royal house are all designated as “Their Royal Highnesses.”  

***

THE NOBILITY.  

A duke who inherits the title from his father is one grade below a royal duke. The wife of a duke is a duchess. They are both addressed as “Your Grace.” The eldest son of a duke is styled a marquis until he comes into possession of his father’s title. His wife is a marchioness. The younger sons of a duke are by courtesy called lords, and the daughters have the title of lady prefixed to their Christian names. An earl or a baron is spoken of as a lord, and his wife as a lady, though to the lady the title of countess or baroness would rightly belong. The daughters of an earl are ladies, the younger sons of both earls and barons are honorables. Bishops receive the title of lord, but with them it is not hereditary.  

***

THE GENTRY.  

Baronets are addressed as “Sirs,” and their wives receive the title of lady; but they are only commoners of a higher degree. A clergyman by right of his calling stands on an equality with all commoners, a bishop with all peers.  

***

ESQUIRE.  

In England the title of Esquire is not merely an empty compliment, as it is in this country. The following have a legal right to the title:  

The sons of peers, whether known as lords or honorables.  

The eldest sons of peers’ sons, and their eldest sons in perpetual descent.  

All the sons of baronets.  

All esquires of the Knights of the Bath.  

Lords of manors, chiefs of clans, and other tenants of the crown in capite, are esquires by prescription.  

Esquires, created to that rank by patent, and their sons in perpetual succession.  

Esquires by office, such as justices of the peace while on the roll, mayors of towns during mayoralty, and sheriffs of counties.  

Members of the House of Commons  

Barristers at law.  

Bachelors of divinity, law and physic. All who in commissions signed by the sovereign are ever styled esquires, retain that title for life.  

***

IMPERIAL RANK.  

Emperors and empresses rank higher than kings and queens. The sons and daughters of the Emperor of Austria are styled archdukes and archduchesses.  

***

EUROPEAN TITLES.  

Titles in continental Europe are so common and so often unsustained by landed or moneyed interests, that they have not the same significance which they hold in England. Many who have inherited high titles have nothing but the empty name. This is frequently the case in Germany, and still more often so in Italy.  

***

January — Garnet. Constancy and Fidelity.
November — Topaz. Fidelity and friendship.

***

Link: https://www.archive.org/details/americanetiquett00houg/mode/1up

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

Excerpts from How to Behave: A Pocket Manual or Republican Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits by Samuel R. Wells, 1887

I will be sharing several interesting excerpts from the books that I have been reading as of late. This one is an etiquette book written by Samuel R. Wells, a Victorian phrenologist and author, in 1887 entitled How to Behave: A Pocket Manual or Republican Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits. I will also put the link to the full text at the end of the excerpts if you want to read the complete work.

Let’s begin.

III.—POSITION AND MOVEMENT.

Study also the graces of manner, motion, and position. Grace is natural, no doubt, but most of us have nearly lost sight of nature. It is often with the greatest difficulty that we find our way back to her paths. It seems a simple and easy thing to walk, and a still easier and simpler thing to stand or sit, but not one in twenty perform either of these acts with ease and grace. There are a hundred little things connected with attitude, movement, the carriage of the arms, the position of the feet and the like, which, though seemingly unimportant are really essential to elegance and ease. Never despise these little things, or be ashamed to acquire the smallest grace by study and practice.

You desire to be a person of “good standing” in society. How do you stand? We refer now to the artistic or esthetic point of view. If you are awkward, you are more likely to manifest your awkwardness in standing than in walking. Do you know where to put your feet and what to do with your hands? In the absence of any better rule or example, try to forget your limbs, and let them take care of themselves. But observe the attitudes which sculptors give to their statues; and study also those of children, which are almost always graceful, because natural. Avoid, on the one hand, the stiffness of the soldier, and, on the other, the ape-like suppleness of the dancing-master; and let there be no straining, no fidgeting, no uneasy shifting of position. You should stand on both feet, bearing a little more heavily on one than the other. The same general principles apply to the sitting posture. This may be either graceful, dignified, and elegant, or awkward, abject, and uncouth. The latter class of qualities may be got rid of and the former acquired, and depend upon it, it is a matter of some consequence which of them characterizes your position and movements. Walking is not so difficult an accomplishment as standing and sitting, but should receive due attention. It has a very close connection with character, and either of them may be improved or deteriorated through the other. A close observer and a sensible and trustworthy monitor of their own sex thus enumerates some of the common faults of women in their “carriage,” or manner of walking:

“Slovenliness in walking characterizes some. They go shuffling along, precisely as if their shoes were down at the heel—“slipshod”—and they could not lift up their feet in consequence. If it is dusty or sandy, they kick up the dust before them and fill their skirts with it. This is exceedingly ungraceful. If I were a gentleman, I really do not think I could marry a lady who walked like this; she would appear so very undignified, and I could not be proud of her.

“Some have another awkwardness. They lift up their feet so high that their knees are sent out before them showing the movement through the dress. They always seem to be leaving their skirts behind them, instead of carrying them gracefully about them. Some saunter along so loosely they seem to be hung on wires; others are as stiff as if they supposed only straight lines were agreeable to the eye; and others, again, run the chin forward considerably in advance of the breast, looking very silly and deficient in self-respect.

“Sometimes a lady walks so as to turn up her dress behind every time she puts her foot back, and I have seen a well-dressed woman made to look very awkward by elevating her shoulders slightly and pushing her elbows too far behind her. Some hold their hands up to the waist, and press their arms against themselves as tightly as if they were glued there; others swing them backward and forward, as a business man walks along the street. Too short steps detract from dignity very much, forming a mincing pace; too long steps are masculine.

“Some walk upon the ball of the foot very flatly and clumsily; others come down upon the heel as though a young elephant was moving; and others, again, ruin their shoes and their appearance by walking upon the side of the foot. Many practice a stoop called the Grecian bend, and when they are thirty, will pass well, unless the face be seen, for fifty years’ old.”

Gymnastics, dancing, and the military drill are excellent auxiliaries in the work of physical training, though all of them may be, and constantly are, abused. We can not illustrate their application here. They will receive the attention they deserve in “Hints toward Physical Perfection,” already referred to as in preparation.

***

Out of rights grow duties; the first of which is to live an honest, truthful, self-loyal life, acting and speaking always and everywhere in accordance with the laws of our being, as revealed in our own physical and mental organization. It is by the light of this fact that we must look upon all social requirements, whether in dress, manners, or morals. All that is fundamental and genuine in these will be found to harmonize with universal principles, and consequently with our primary duty in reference to ourselves.

***

[…] but the basis of all true politeness and social enjoyment is the mutual tolerance of personal rights.

***

The husband should never cease to be a lover, or fail in any of those delicate attentions and tender expressions of affectionate solicitude which marked his intercourse before marriage with his heart’s queen. All the respectful deference, every courteous observance, all the self-sacrificing devotion that can be claimed by a mistress is certainly due to a wife, and he is no true husband and no true gentleman who withholds them. It is not enough that you honor, respect, and love your wife. You must put this honor, respect, and love into the forms of speech and action. Let no unkind word, no seeming indifference, no lack of the little attentions due her, remind her sadly of the sweet days of courtship and the honey-moon. Surely the love you thought would have been cheaply purchased at the price of a world is worth all you care to preserve. Is not the wife more, and better, and dearer than the sweetheart? We venture to hint that it is probably your own fault if she is not.

The chosen companion of your life, the mother of your children, the sharer of all your joys and sorrows, as she possesses the highest place in your affections, should have the best place everywhere, the choicest morsels, the politest attentions, the softest, kindest words, the tenderest care. Love, duty, and good manners alike require it.

And has the wife no duties? Have the courteous observances, the tender watchfulness, the pleasant words, the never-tiring devotion, which won your smiles, your spoken thanks, your kisses, your very self, in days gone by, now lost their value? Does not the husband rightly claim as much, at least, as the lover? If you find him less observant of the little courtesies due you, may this not be because you sometimes fail to reward him with the same sweet thanks and sweeter smiles? Ask your own heart.

Have the comfort and happiness of your husband always in view, and let him see and feel that you still look up to him with trust and affection—that the love of other days has not grown cold. Dress for his eyes more scrupulously than for all the rest of the world; make yourself and your home beautiful for his sake; play and sing (if you can) to please him; try to beguile him from his cares; retain his affections in the same way you won them, and—be polite even to your husband.

***

V.—WEDDINGS.

We copy from one of the numerous manners books before us the following condensed account of the usual ceremonies of a formal wedding. A simpler, less ceremonious, and more private mode of giving legal sanction to an already existing union of hearts would be more to our taste; but, as the French proverb has it, Chacun à son goût.

For a stylish wedding, the lady requires a bridegroom, two bridesmaids, two groomsmen, and a parson or magistrate, her relatives and whatever friends of both parties they may choose to invite. For a formal wedding in the evening, a week’s notice is requisite. The lady fixes the day. Her mother or nearest female relation invites the guests. The evening hour is 8 o’clock; but if the ceremony is private, and the happy couple to start immediately and alone, the ceremony usually takes place in the morning at eleven or twelve o’clock.

If there is an evening party, the refreshments must be as usual on such occasions, with the addition of wedding cake, commonly a pound cake with rich frosting, and a fruit cake.

The dress of the bride is of the purest white; her head is commonly dressed with orange flowers, natural or artificial, and white roses. She wears few ornaments, and none but such as are given her for the occasion. A white lace vail is often worn on the head. White long gloves and white satin slippers complete the costume.

The dress of the bridegroom is simply the full dress of a gentleman, of unusual richness and elegance.

The bridesmaids are dressed also in white, but more simply than the bride.

At the hour appointed for the ceremony, the second bridesmaid and groomsman, when there are two, enter the room; then, first bridesmaid and groomsman; and lastly the bride and bridegroom. They enter, the ladies taking the arms of the gentlemen, and take seats appointed, so that the bride is at the right of the bridegroom, and each supported by their respective attendants.

A chair is then placed for the clergyman or magistrate in front of the happy pair. When he comes forward to perform the ceremony, the bridal party rises. The first bridesmaid, at the proper time, removes the glove from the left hand of the bride; or, what seems to us more proper, both bride and bridegroom have their gloves removed at the beginning of the ceremony. In joining hands they take each other’s right hand, the bride and groom partially turning toward each other. The wedding ring, of plain fine gold, provided beforehand by the groom, is sometimes given to the clergyman, who presents it. It is placed upon the third finger of the left hand.

When the ceremony is ended, and the twain are pronounced one flesh, the company present their congratulations—the clergyman first, then the mother, the father of the bride, and the relations; then the company, the groomsmen acting as masters of ceremonies, bringing forward and introducing the ladies, who wish the happy couple joy, happiness, prosperity; but not exactly “many happy returns.”

The bridegroom takes an early occasion to thank the clergyman, and to put in his hand, at the same time, nicely enveloped, a piece of gold, according to his ability and generosity. The gentleman who dropped two half dollars into the minister’s hands, as they were held out, in the prayer, was a little confused by the occasion.

When a dance follows the ceremony and congratulations, the bride dances, first, with the first groomsman, taking the head of the room and the quadrille, and the bridegroom with the first bridesmaid; afterwards as they please. The party breaks up early—certainly by twelve o’clock.

The cards of the newly married couple are sent to those only whose acquaintance they wish to continue. No offense should be taken by those whom they may choose to exclude. Send your card, therefore, with the lady’s, to all whom you desire to include in the circle of your future acquaintances. The lady’s card will have engraved upon it, below her name, “At home, ——evening, at—o’clock.” They should be sent a week previous to the evening indicated.

***

VI.—FUNERALS.

When any member of a family is dead, it is customary to send intelligence of the misfortune to all who have been connected with the deceased in relations of business or friendship. The letters which are sent contain a special invitation to assist at the funeral. Such a letter requires no answer.

At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are entitled to the first places. They are nearest to the coffin, whether in the procession or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full mourning dress.

We are excused from accompanying the body to the burying-ground, unless the deceased be a relation or an intimate friend. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we should give the first carriage to the relations or most intimate friends of the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with such a mien as the occasion naturally suggests.

***

Link: https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/26597

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

Creating a Lifestyle Worth Living

As I approach my thirties, I have come to truly learn what kind of job I can not only handle but not dread from day to day. From micromanaging bosses to the gossip around the watercooler, I have not looked back since choosing to go freelance. I worked during college at my school’s private library for four years as a part-time student assistant, then as a receptionist in a law firm, and finally as a library assistant in a public library before being fed up with the pace and lifestyle those kinds of jobs made for me.

I have always been self-driven and goal-directed without the “helpful push” of a boss. I have always been my own boss. (My carefully filled-out agenda each school year would tell you as much). And with this personality came the difficulty of watching my peers slack off and enjoy standing still in their jobs while I felt like I was suffocating. Once I had paid off my student loans in about five years, I resigned from my last employee-centered job and went full-time freelance.

I began my freelance proofreading journey by taking the Proofread Anywhere course in 2017, and by 2018, I had completed the exam successfully. At this time, I was a receptionist at a law firm because the law had always interested me. My philosophy professors in college certainly pushed their students into law during my time there. It was considered a more “practical job” over becoming a philosopher, I suppose.

Proofreading has now become my longest-held job, and I have no plans to quit now. To me, typos had always jumped out on the page while reading books or other people’s papers. Perhaps I can thank my mother and father for reading to me at an early age and allowing me to challenge myself with more difficult reading material. My mother was also a writer and her day job consisted of copywriting for publishing houses, and my father wrote poetry for pleasure. Words were always a part of my world.

As a child, I loved holding my younger brother hostage, reading out loud from any book I could get my hands on. I would read for hours until my voice gave out. All of those moments of getting lost in a book, listening to the cadence of my voice rising and falling like waves, were so deliciously addictive. Nothing interested me more than continuing to read…and I still feel the same way.

With copious amounts of reading blossoms a desire for quiet, space, and routine. I grew accustomed to sitting in my home alone in silence and maximizing my time to accommodate more reading. This lifestyle translated extremely well into becoming a remote proofreader. I pull up the chair to my desk with my rather small laptop open on it, sitting in the quiet and reading most of my transcripts and manuscripts out loud. The lull of my voice carries the words back into my head, tripping an alarm every time I come across an error or something that simply does not sound or look right.

I usually have a split screen between the piece I’m proofreading and the Internet or a style guide sheet. Usually, reference books are strewn around me on various tables to my left and right. The thing about proofreading is that you have all the answers at your fingertips—you just have to know where to quickly search for them. Decision fatigue sets in after answering a million questions that crop up after reading every sentence with so much care. This is why I am being paid to do it. Proofreading can cause headaches, eyestrain, and fatigue. I have experienced it all. But I am good at it, and, while it is hard work, I love it.

Opening up a fresh transcript from a court reporter, I learn so much about any number of topics. I always wanted to learn everything growing up, and since we have yet to produce a chip to insert into our brains, I have had to spend time reading to learn. My desire to know more is not hindered by my job now—it is quenched. I learn new legal terms in Latin or medical terms or criminal slang on any given day.

When a publishing company asked me to copyedit and/or proofread for them a few years into my proofreading career, I paused. In college, we had creative writing workshops which were essentially learning to give editorial advice on everything from developmental, structural, and grammatical aspects. And I loathed it. Why? Sadly, the culture in this country, especially in the universities, is one of liberal, collectivist thought. I disagreed to my core with most of the stories. The fictional pieces were filled with things the college students had read in their other classes or filled with childish clichés from a lack of reading enough or riddled with grammatical errors that were acceptable to pass off as a “stylistic choice” thanks to modern writers everywhere. Not only was editing not appealing to me, but freelance writing and journalism paid for writers to produce work for businesses and products that I did not care about. My words (and brainpower) felt too precious to waste on those challenging jobs, writing was already hard enough.

My college days taught me that I would never be able to become a professor, though I loved learning, or an editor, though I loved writing, or a traditionally published author, though I knew my writing was good enough. My choices were made and shaped so much by this culture. But without feeling too much pity for myself, I decided that I still wanted to live a happy life on this earth right here and now.

So I pulled away from the “traditional 9–5” in exchange for the atypical freelance life. I took control of who I interacted with on a daily basis, which mostly consists now of my husband, family, and friends. I behave with the proper etiquette to all strangers I meet, but I do not engage any more than I need to. I guard my time carefully, and I devote myself to the most black-and-white type of work possible in the writing world: proofreading.

In another blog post, I wrote about how I considered proofreading a skill, calligraphy a craft, and writing an art. I wrote the novels that were in my soul when they needed to be written and put them out into the world myself. I practiced calligraphy after a long workday to help free my mind from the meaning of words to focus more on the beautiful shapes they made instead. (Plus, I had always wanted my cursive to look like my mother’s when I was young). However, in the spirit of transparency, living in Iowa and in this dormant age, the royalty checks are not large enough and the calligraphy clients are few and far between. Most of my money comes from proofreading alone.

While I struggle financially, I am not a “starving artist” thanks to the help of my wonderful husband. I surely help supplement our family income, but I am not at all the breadwinner. I am learning to be okay with my status, investing myself in more of the domestic duties around the home while continuing to learn as much as I can, since knowledge means much more to me than wealth. In a proper society, the value that I produce would bring me the appropriate amount of money, but this is not a healthy period. I acknowledged this reality, and so I adapted my life accordingly.

I continue to incorporate my skill, craft, and art into my daily life, and it is not something I ever plan to retire from. I won my freedom back from a school system that expected us to conform to the traditional workforce. I have created a life that I feel good about. And with my husband and me beginning to plan for children, I can stay at home with them in the future while working. A new chapter of my life is beginning and, for once, I feel grounded and in control of it.

My hope is more people think critically about the work that would fit best with their own personality and lifestyle. I realize that my path of being very much a homebody and self-directed is not for everyone. But it is what makes me happy. What makes you happy? If you had all the free time in the world, what would you do with your time? Is there a way you can monetize your passion for something? Go out there and create the world you want to live in, even if that is only within your own four walls.

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.