Excerpts from Manners for Men by Mrs. Humphry, 1897

I will be sharing several interesting excerpts from the books that I have been reading as of late. This one is an etiquette book for gentlemen written by Mrs. Humphry, a late Victorian novelist, in 1897 entitled Manners for Men. I will also put the link to the full text at the end of the excerpts if you want to read the complete work.

Let’s begin.

Apart from faults of temper, men fall into careless habits of speech and manner at home, and one form of this, viz., habitually using strong language in the presence of women and children, is particularly offensive. Besides, it defeats itself; for if the forcible expressions are intended to express disapprobation, they soon become weak and powerless to do so, because they are used on every possible occasion. After a time they lose all meaning.

***

The strict rule is that when walking with a lady a man should never leave her side.

***

Sometimes ladies are very anxious to take the reins and drive themselves, a circumstance which has often occasioned agonies of nervousness to other women on the coach. It is quite possible to refuse such a request in a polite and gentlemanly way, partly by seeming to ignore it or laughing it off.

***

The old-fashioned rule that a man must approach the father of a girl before offering himself in marriage to her has now, to some extent, died out.

***

The usual way to ask for the admired one’s hand in marriage is in person. This is always preferable to writing, though some men have not the courage to adopt the first course. 

Should the lady accept the offer, the happy wooer must take the earliest opportunity of seeing her father, or, failing him, her nearest friend, and begging him to permit the engagement. Should he consent, all is well; but in the contrary case, his decision must be accepted.

***

Immediately upon having the engagement ratified, the accepted suitor gives the lady an engagement ring. This should be as handsome a present as he can afford to buy. Together with all other presents and correspondence on both sides, this ring must be returned if the engagement should be broken off.

***

No man should drag a girl into a long engagement. Nor should any man propose to a girl until he is in a position to provide for her. 

He is only standing in the way of other wooers who may be well supplied with this world’s gear. Such trifles as wealth and ease may appear as nought to the mind of the youthful lover, not to be weighed for a moment in the balance with love and young romance. The girl, too, may be of the same way of thinking at the time, but it the more behoves the man, the stronger, to consider her and to remember that poverty is such a bitter and a cruel thing that it even kills love at times.

***

Custom demands that the bridegroom shall present her bouquet to the bride, as well as bouquets and a present each to the bridesmaids. He must furnish the house for the bride in every detail, not excepting the house and table linen, which, in the old days of spinning-wheels, was wont to be contributed by the bride herself. 

He must provide the wedding ring and the carriage in which his best man and himself go to church. He pays the fees to clergyman and clerk, but it is the best man who hands them over. With him the bridegroom waits at the altar till the bride arrives. She takes her place at his left hand for the first time, and at the proper moment he produces the ring which is the symbol of their union. 

The usual dress of a bridegroom consists of a very dark blue frock-coat, light trousers, light or white scarf-tie, patent boots, and a new hat.

***

Addresses of Letters. 

Her Majesty the Queen. 

To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales. 

To Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales. 

This same form is used in addressing communications to all other members of the Royal Family, adding the title where the word “Prince” or “Princess” would be incorrect, as:— 

To His Royal Highness the Duke of York. 

To Her Royal Highness the Duchess of York. 

Below the rank of royalty there is the distinction between letters addressed by persons on an equality with those to whom formal and they write, and by inferiors. 

***

Address for the envelope—formal and informal. 

I shall call them formal and informal, and range them in separate lines. 

Informal. Formal. 
The Duke of —— To His Grace the Duke of —— 
The Duchess of —— To Her Grace the Duchess of —— 
The Marquis of —— To the Most Honourable the Marquis of —— 
The Marchioness of ——    To the Most Honourable the Marchioness of —— 
The Earl of —— To the Right Honourable the Earl of —— 
The Countess of —— To the Right Honourable the Countess of —— 
The Viscount —— The Right Honourable the Viscount —— 
The Viscountess —— The Right Honourable the Viscountess —— 
Lord —— The Right Honourable Lord —— or Baron —— 
Lady —— The Right Honourable Lady —— or Baroness— 

***

Addressing Privy Councillors. 

Members of the Privy Council are also addressed as “Right Honourable,” in the same way as Peers. In this case the names of commoners are not followed by the abbreviation “Esq.,” as:— 

The Right Honourable James Balfour, M.P. 

***

Ambassadors. 

Ambassadors and their wives are addressed as “His Excellency,” “Her Excellency,” the personal and official titles following the word, as:— 

To His Excellency the Earl of——, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to France. 

To Her Excellency the Countess of——. 

Other official personages are addressed in the following way:— 

To His Excellency Lord Blank, Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. 

To His Grace the Archbishop of——. 

The Right Reverend the Bishop of——. 

The Very Reverend the Dean of——. 

***

Degrees. 

Academical distinctions are indicated by the initials placed after the name—LL.D. for Doctor of Laws and Learning, D.D. for Doctor of Divinity and so on. 

***

Beginning the letter. 

So much for the envelopes. The proper way to begin letters is as follows. As I have mentioned, the Queen is addressed as “Madam” in the inside of a letter. A gentleman writing 

***

To the Queen. 

to the Queen would sign himself, “I have the honour to submit myself, with profound respect, Your Majesty’s most devoted subject and servant.” Above the word “Madam” should be written “Her Majesty the Queen.” Lord Beaconsfield struck out a line of his own and in writing to the Queen began, “Mr. Disraeli,” continuing in the third person and addressing Her Majesty in the second. 

***

To the Prince and Princess of Wales. 

The Prince of Wales is addressed as “Sir,” above this word being written “To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” Persons on intimate terms sometimes begin “Sir” or “Dear Prince,” others “My dear Prince.” The Princess of Wales is occasionally addressed by friends as “My dear Princess.” The two orthodox endings to such letters are respectively “Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and obedient servant,” or (a humbler style) “Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and most obedient servant.” To all other Royal Princes and Princesses the ending would be “Most Humble and Obedient Servant.” 

***

To a Duke and Duchess. 

Dukes other than royal are addressed inside letters by intimates as “Dear Duke,” by others “My Lord Duke, may it please your Grace.” In writing to a Duchess her title is placed above the “Madam.” In formal letters Marquises would be addressed as “My Lord Marquis.”

***

On omitting christian names from courtesy titles. 

A very common form of mistake is that of omitting the Christian name from the courtesy titles of the sons and daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls. The sons have the title “Lord” prefixed to the Christian and surname: for instance, “Lord Alfred Osborne,” “Lord Henry Somerset.” It is extremely incorrect to call either of these “Lord Osborne” or “Lord Somerset.” The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls have the title “Lady” before their Christian and surname; “Lady Emily Heneage,” for instance, must not be addressed as “Lady Heneage.” Should she marry a commoner only the surname is altered, the “Lady Emily” remains. This may all appear a little involved to those unaccustomed to titles, but neglect of these forms indicates very clearly a lack of savoir faire. It is a source of great annoyance to the owners of courtesy titles to have the Christian name omitted. Anybody, even a knight’s wife, may be a “Lady Smith” or “Jones”; the insertion of the Christian name before the “Smith” or “Jones” means that the possessor is the daughter of a duke, marquis, or earl. 

***

Beginning a letter to the above.

In beginning a letter to any of the above a stranger would say “Dear Lady Mary Smith,” but the usual form would be “Dear Lady Mary.” Inferiors would begin by writing the lady’s title over the word “Madam,” or merely beginning “Madam” and writing the title at the end of the letter. 

***

To an ambassador with conclusion. 

In writing to an ambassador or his wife the title is placed above the word “Sir” or “Madam.” Inferiors would write “May it please your Excellency,” and would conclude with “I have the honour to be Your Excellency’s most humble, obedient servant.”

***

An archbishop. 

In writing to an archbishop a correspondent would begin “Your Grace,” ending, “I remain Your Grace’s most obedient servant.”

***

A bishop. 

To a bishop the form would be, “My Lord,” or “Right Reverend Sir,” or “May it please Your Lordship,” the last being, of course, the humblest form of address. The conclusion would be, I remain, “My Lord” (or “Right Reverend Sir”) “Your most obedient servant.” 

***

A dean. 

The beginning of a letter to a dean would be, “Reverend Sir” or “Mr. Dean,” the title of all these dignitaries being, in formal letters, indited above the beginning. Those having slight acquaintance would begin, “Dear Mr. Dean.” Strangers would end the letter, “I have the honour to be Your most obedient servant.” 

***

Doctors of Divinity. 

Doctors of divinity are addressed as “Reverend Sir,” as well as archdeacons and all other clergy.

Intimates would begin letters to the above with: “Dear Archbishop,” “Dear Bishop,” “Dear Dean,” or “Dear Doctor.” 

***

Officers in the army. 

With the sole exception of lieutenants in the army, all officers have their military rank prefixed to their name. Ensigns and lieutenants are addressed as “Esq.” 

And navy. 

***

Letters of condolence. 

A very unusual fault committed is to begin by dilating upon the shock or grief felt by the writer. The absurdity of this becomes apparent when one compares mentally the shock or grief as felt by the recipient. Two lines conveying the expression of sympathy are better than pages of even the most eloquent composition. Mourners require all their fortitude at times of loss, and anything likely to impair their self-command is the reverse of a kindness.

***

In this connection it may be as well to remark that about a week after the funeral it is customary to call and leave cards of inquiry. When these are responded to by cards of thanks for inquiries, it is a sign that the family is willing to receive callers.

***

Link: https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/53262

_____________________________________________________________

Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

Excerpts from A Word to Women by Mrs. Humphry, 1898

I am learning to embrace my unique lifestyle by reading more about the Victorian era, a period in which I find most of my favorite art and some of the most amazing inventions. Perhaps our historic, Queen Anne-styled home has rubbed off on me too, as I am surrounded by its beauty every day. Hopefully, learning what a middle-class Victorian woman did in the home will help guide me on my own journey through life.

I will be sharing several interesting excerpts from the books that I have been reading as of late. This one is an etiquette book for ladies written by Mrs. Humphry, a late Victorian novelist, in 1898 entitled A Word to Women. I will also put the link to the full text at the end of the excerpts if you want to read the complete work.

Let’s begin.

His wife is an education to him…

***

The ideal girl is she who combines with high culture a love of the domestic and a desire to please.

***

It is good to encourage the love of simple pleasures. It is the way to keep our souls from shrinking.

***

To possess a grateful spirit is to increase the happiness of life.

***

It is good to teach young people to appreciate the infinite, everyday pleasures that surround them. It adds immensely to their happiness…

***

To grow old is tragic, especially for women.

***

And as one of Nature’s decrees is that which causes us to adjust ourselves to altered surroundings after change or loss, we accept the altered circumstances, and allow our thoughts and feelings to grow round what is left to us.

***

We were surely meant to be happy, we humans, so indomitable is the inclination towards joyfulness under circumstances the most adverse. It is easy enough in youth, and even the sceptic, the pessimist, the cynic, if they live long enough, will find that it is not so very difficult in middle age, when scepticism, pessimism, and cynicism are apt to be outgrown. There lies the true secret of the matter. There is a joy in growth, and we must see to it that we do not cheat ourselves of it. Stunted natures are seldom happy ones, and their middle age is merely mental shrinkage, with a narrowing of the heart and a corresponding drought in all the sources of joy.

***

Sometimes two who have loved each other in their youth meet again when middle age has come to both. Such a meeting can never be commonplace to either. Nor do the two see each other as they are visible to ordinary acquaintances. In the eyes of memory, the grey hair is replaced by the sunny locks of youth; the saddened eyes are bright again and eagerly out-looking into a world of abundant promise; the worn and furrowed brow becomes smooth and white, the pale cheeks touched with youthful bloom; and with a delicious sense of reciprocity each knows that the lost youth of both is present to the mind of either. 

***

But time gives us all something in return; a growing patience which brings sweetness and gentleness in its train; a wider outlook on the world and a deeper insight into the hearts of friends; a tender sympathy with those who suffer, and a truer sense of comradeship with our fellow-travellers on life’s road. And all these things write themselves clearly enough on the ageing faces, sometimes beautifying what once was almost destitute of charm; and sometimes spiritualising what once was beautiful in form and colour, but lacked the loveliness that results from an equal balance of mind and heart.

***

The Boy’s Lament

“What can a boy do, and where can a boy stay,
If he always is told to get out of the way?
He cannot sit here, and he mustn’t stand there,
The cushions that cover that gaily-decked chair
Were put there, of course, to be seen and admired;
A boy has no business to feel a bit tired.
The beautiful carpets with blossom and bloom
On the floor of the tempting and light-shaded room,
Are not made to be walked on—at least, not by boys.
The house is no place, anyway, for their noise.

.

There’s a place for the boys. They will find it somewhere,
And if our own homes are too daintily fair
For the touch of their fingers, the tread of their feet,
They’ll find it, and find it, alas! in the street,
’Mid the gildings of sin and the glitter of vice;
And with heartaches and longings we pay a dear price
For the getting of gain that our lifetime employs
If we fail in providing a place for our boys.

.

Though our souls may be vexed with the problems of life,
And worn with besetments and toiling and strife,
Our hearts will keep younger—your tired heart and mine—
If we give them a place in our innermost shrine;
And till life’s latest hour ’twill be one of our joys
That we keep a small corner—a place for the boys.”

***

Link: https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/36330

_____________________________________________________________

Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

Creating a Lifestyle Worth Living

As I approach my thirties, I have come to truly learn what kind of job I can not only handle but not dread from day to day. From micromanaging bosses to the gossip around the watercooler, I have not looked back since choosing to go freelance. I worked during college at my school’s private library for four years as a part-time student assistant, then as a receptionist in a law firm, and finally as a library assistant in a public library before being fed up with the pace and lifestyle those kinds of jobs made for me.

I have always been self-driven and goal-directed without the “helpful push” of a boss. I have always been my own boss. (My carefully filled-out agenda each school year would tell you as much). And with this personality came the difficulty of watching my peers slack off and enjoy standing still in their jobs while I felt like I was suffocating. Once I had paid off my student loans in about five years, I resigned from my last employee-centered job and went full-time freelance.

I began my freelance proofreading journey by taking the Proofread Anywhere course in 2017, and by 2018, I had completed the exam successfully. At this time, I was a receptionist at a law firm because the law had always interested me. My philosophy professors in college certainly pushed their students into law during my time there. It was considered a more “practical job” over becoming a philosopher, I suppose.

Proofreading has now become my longest-held job, and I have no plans to quit now. To me, typos had always jumped out on the page while reading books or other people’s papers. Perhaps I can thank my mother and father for reading to me at an early age and allowing me to challenge myself with more difficult reading material. My mother was also a writer and her day job consisted of copywriting for publishing houses, and my father wrote poetry for pleasure. Words were always a part of my world.

As a child, I loved holding my younger brother hostage, reading out loud from any book I could get my hands on. I would read for hours until my voice gave out. All of those moments of getting lost in a book, listening to the cadence of my voice rising and falling like waves, were so deliciously addictive. Nothing interested me more than continuing to read…and I still feel the same way.

With copious amounts of reading blossoms a desire for quiet, space, and routine. I grew accustomed to sitting in my home alone in silence and maximizing my time to accommodate more reading. This lifestyle translated extremely well into becoming a remote proofreader. I pull up the chair to my desk with my rather small laptop open on it, sitting in the quiet and reading most of my transcripts and manuscripts out loud. The lull of my voice carries the words back into my head, tripping an alarm every time I come across an error or something that simply does not sound or look right.

I usually have a split screen between the piece I’m proofreading and the Internet or a style guide sheet. Usually, reference books are strewn around me on various tables to my left and right. The thing about proofreading is that you have all the answers at your fingertips—you just have to know where to quickly search for them. Decision fatigue sets in after answering a million questions that crop up after reading every sentence with so much care. This is why I am being paid to do it. Proofreading can cause headaches, eyestrain, and fatigue. I have experienced it all. But I am good at it, and, while it is hard work, I love it.

Opening up a fresh transcript from a court reporter, I learn so much about any number of topics. I always wanted to learn everything growing up, and since we have yet to produce a chip to insert into our brains, I have had to spend time reading to learn. My desire to know more is not hindered by my job now—it is quenched. I learn new legal terms in Latin or medical terms or criminal slang on any given day.

When a publishing company asked me to copyedit and/or proofread for them a few years into my proofreading career, I paused. In college, we had creative writing workshops which were essentially learning to give editorial advice on everything from developmental, structural, and grammatical aspects. And I loathed it. Why? Sadly, the culture in this country, especially in the universities, is one of liberal, collectivist thought. I disagreed to my core with most of the stories. The fictional pieces were filled with things the college students had read in their other classes or filled with childish clichés from a lack of reading enough or riddled with grammatical errors that were acceptable to pass off as a “stylistic choice” thanks to modern writers everywhere. Not only was editing not appealing to me, but freelance writing and journalism paid for writers to produce work for businesses and products that I did not care about. My words (and brainpower) felt too precious to waste on those challenging jobs, writing was already hard enough.

My college days taught me that I would never be able to become a professor, though I loved learning, or an editor, though I loved writing, or a traditionally published author, though I knew my writing was good enough. My choices were made and shaped so much by this culture. But without feeling too much pity for myself, I decided that I still wanted to live a happy life on this earth right here and now.

So I pulled away from the “traditional 9–5” in exchange for the atypical freelance life. I took control of who I interacted with on a daily basis, which mostly consists now of my husband, family, and friends. I behave with the proper etiquette to all strangers I meet, but I do not engage any more than I need to. I guard my time carefully, and I devote myself to the most black-and-white type of work possible in the writing world: proofreading.

In another blog post, I wrote about how I considered proofreading a skill, calligraphy a craft, and writing an art. I wrote the novels that were in my soul when they needed to be written and put them out into the world myself. I practiced calligraphy after a long workday to help free my mind from the meaning of words to focus more on the beautiful shapes they made instead. (Plus, I had always wanted my cursive to look like my mother’s when I was young). However, in the spirit of transparency, living in Iowa and in this dormant age, the royalty checks are not large enough and the calligraphy clients are few and far between. Most of my money comes from proofreading alone.

While I struggle financially, I am not a “starving artist” thanks to the help of my wonderful husband. I surely help supplement our family income, but I am not at all the breadwinner. I am learning to be okay with my status, investing myself in more of the domestic duties around the home while continuing to learn as much as I can, since knowledge means much more to me than wealth. In a proper society, the value that I produce would bring me the appropriate amount of money, but this is not a healthy period. I acknowledged this reality, and so I adapted my life accordingly.

I continue to incorporate my skill, craft, and art into my daily life, and it is not something I ever plan to retire from. I won my freedom back from a school system that expected us to conform to the traditional workforce. I have created a life that I feel good about. And with my husband and me beginning to plan for children, I can stay at home with them in the future while working. A new chapter of my life is beginning and, for once, I feel grounded and in control of it.

My hope is more people think critically about the work that would fit best with their own personality and lifestyle. I realize that my path of being very much a homebody and self-directed is not for everyone. But it is what makes me happy. What makes you happy? If you had all the free time in the world, what would you do with your time? Is there a way you can monetize your passion for something? Go out there and create the world you want to live in, even if that is only within your own four walls.

_____________________________________________________________

Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.