We Are Women

I recently took Bradley Method childbirth classes to prepare for labor and part of the assigned reading was a bunch of podcasts and articles from Evidence Based Birth. This title is ironic, as several one-star reviewers pointed out, because the podcast cannot even admit what a woman is. Well, let me tell you that we are women.

Fuming, I sent off an email that read:

I just wanted to say that while I am appreciating the abundance of research and statistics from listening/reading these recommended pieces from the Evidence Based Birth website, it is extremely distracting, like nails on a chalkboard, every time the host says/writes “birthing person,” “pregnant human,” “chestfeeder,” “human milk,” “laboring person,” and so forth. To me, who has only felt the pangs of femininity/womanhood a few times in my life and the most right now, being pregnant for the first time, this kind of language makes me feel invisible or like some kind of cattle. I want to be proud of my womanhood—not ashamed of it.

Cooly, this was the response from my childbirth teacher:

EBB is the best available source for quality information about birth – I love that you are finding those sources informative.

EBB intentionally uses non-gendered language to be inclusive of various identities. I’m sorry to hear it’s made you uncomfortable – please feel free to reach out to EBB with your concerns. 

Although I encourage families to access these resources due to their high quality – please know it is not required. Feel free to skip anything from EBB if their use of inclusive language is negatively impacting you.

Doesn’t this response make it sound like this is my own personal problem? That I have to search inward to understand why this “triggers” me? Of course, I sat on this email feeling even more invisible and gaslit and curious as to why.

Here’s why I find those so offensive: I mentioned to my mother while on the playground that my sides were hurting, kind of cramping up. I remember her proudly telling me that I was becoming a woman. She taught me how to shave my legs for the first time. And then cancer robbed me of any more answers about womanhood when I finally started bleeding at eleven. Now the images circle of my sweaty forehead leaning against the bathroom sink, my entire body pressed against the bathroom floor to cool down, my father holding a wet rag to my drooping forehead, waking up suddenly during class, realizing that I had passed out sideways out of my chair for a second from all the menstrual pain. Growing up to become “a woman” stunk. I wanted to escape the monthly pain. I saw no clear reason for having to go through this again and again. I learned to take ibuprofen before all the pain even began—large doses. I got on birth control by fifteen to control my irregular and painful cycles. I didn’t want to be a woman when my body was keeping me from school and focusing on learning. I dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and sneakers every single day for maximum comfort and to hide my changing body.

Experiencing sex for the first time made me understand exactly what kind of woman I am in the bedroom. Without revealing too much, I became someone new to me—a submissive, clingy, dependent woman. I learned to desire nothing more than that protective touch. Perhaps being a woman wasn’t so bad after all, though it was frightening to be so vulnerable.

Then, I went through a year of waiting and tears trying to conceive, thinking I had somehow broken my own body. Being a woman was awful once again. Until it finally happened. The positive second line and the hugs of shock and excitement. Soon enough, the kicks made me smile and the belly made me waddle, my nipples leaked and my pelvis ached, but I was carefully watching what my body seemed to already know how to do. Everything I had been through started to make sense. In utter awe, I learned how much my body could do and had been doing to bring new life into this world. I finally fell in love with being a woman.

So imagine my surprise when the word I was just learning to love, “woman,” was no longer in vogue, being erased right before my very eyes, in the very place where “woman” and “mother” should be praised—childbirth classes. Instead, I heard the cold, clammy words of “birthing person” and “chestfeeder.” I felt lost again, without a mother figure to hold my hand and guide me through this pregnancy. I lost sight of what it was to be a woman now that even my childbirth classes and the hospital didn’t consider me one. All to kowtow to the transgender population who make up less than one percent of the population worldwide.

Look, I am no stranger to feeling excluded. I lost my mother at a young age and had to put up in every grade with things like, “Where are your parents taking you for Christmas break”? or “What kind of card should we make for Mother’s Day?” or “What did you and your parents do over summer break?” I had to either ignore the whole plural aspect by responding, “We went to the beach” or “My dad took us to the beach.” (My brother dealt with the same thing, by the way). Now, single-parent families are at least seven percent of the population worldwide. Should I have demanded that everyone only acknowledge their fathers? Should I have threatened others if they said “parents”? Should I have had teachers fired for asking me about both parents? Absolutely not. That’s simply not how the world works. You cannot change language for people who live outside of the “average” or the “norm.” Society cannot function that way. Plus, the older I got, the more I realized just how lucky those kids were to be able to say “parents” and not have to think about their answers beforehand. They were lucky and I would not want to take that away from them.

Transgenderism is the same phenomenon. They feel different in their own skin, uncomfortable—for the majority, after some kind of social trauma. They need a therapist for that—not to change the way that people speak to one another in everyday life. And they certainly have no right to coerce other people to play along with their fantasy. As J. K. Rowling and many others have already stated: a man dressing up as a woman is still a man, a woman dressing up as a man is still a woman. You can pretend all you want, but I fear that you will never find the truth or happiness that way. However, I refuse to use “inclusive” and “non-gendered” language to appease some force I have never met, policing what I say and how I say it. That is the least American thing I have ever heard. I am a woman, having earned the title, and finally proud to be known as one.

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Links: https://wellcomecollection.org/works/wvxta3rh/items; https://www.bradleybirth.com/; https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evidence-based-birth/id1334808138; https://stories.jkrowling.com/en-us/my-story/; https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-03-03/the-long-history-of-transgender-people-in-australia-and-beyond/102037662

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

On Adaptability and Resilience

Never have I felt more like a woman than now. I wrote a piece a few months ago, entitled “Race and Gender Do Not Matter,” which was not very popular. So, I think I should clarify. While I still don’t believe either matter when it comes to one’s career, gender certainly has its role in the family dynamic. I do believe that the traditional nuclear family is the best. Like the story of Adam and Eve, if anyone grows a human from a rib, it’s Eve and not Adam. I just learned that the cells of the mother stay in the baby for years after birth and the baby’s cells stay in the mother as well. They are truly a part of your body, blood of your blood. Every day my body has gone through these incredible changes, and I’ve heard that successfully giving birth will be my ultimate act as a woman.

I’m not even there yet, but I am so excited (and nervous) about what lies ahead. How much will I feel that nurturing sensation toward my baby while breastfeeding? Will my heart explode with love? How integral is this whole experience to my understanding of the world as a female human being? In order to get there, however, I realize that I must adapt and cope with these constant changes. Women amaze me in their ability to adapt and become resilient through pregnancy and postpartum. Heck, even dealing with a period at such an early age forces girls to mature into women much faster than their male counterparts. Our bodies are like the metaphorical caterpillar turning into the envied butterfly once we become mothers. Somehow, a woman, stretch marks and all, becomes even more beautiful when she cares for her newborn so sweetly. Femininity is linked to gentleness and grace. And I am beginning to see that mothers have that extra touch of it once they have completed their full metamorphosis.

I already believe that there is something vital in a woman having a child and understanding herself even more than before. Like, “Ah, now I know why those breasts are there.” Or, “Oh, yes, I can see why all women waddle around like that in the third trimester with their hands on their bellies or backs.” Even, “This is how much I love what is mine: wholly, deeply, selfishly.” You cannot have those feelings or thoughts without experiencing them. Now, I’m not saying that you understanding yourself better is a good enough reason to have a baby, but I certainly think that if you are also excited about the prospect of spending the time, the precious moments, and generally slowing down in life with a baby, then it is worthwhile.

I truly hope to slow down in my life. I tried doing that with each “book baby” (and will continue to in the future, don’t worry). But at this time in my life, I want to taste life twice with my own baby. I want to feel like the world is new and fresh again. I want my creative spark to light up once more, not from fear but from sheer wonder. And every day that they learn something new, I want to see it reflected in my baby’s face and bask in its glow. That, I hope, will bring even more meaning and purpose to my life on this benevolent planet.

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Links: https://harvardartmuseums.org/collections/object/230156; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZWZTyOWO3c&ab_channel=TheAtheistNun

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.

Literary Critique of Sally Rooney’s Normal People (Part II)

Here is the back cover blurb for Sally Rooney’s book, Normal People:

Connell and Marianne grew up in the same small town, but the similarities end there. At school, Connell is popular and well liked, while Marianne is a loner. But when the two strike up a conversation—awkward but electrifying—something life changing begins.

A year later, they’re both studying at Trinity College in Dublin. Marianne has found her feet in a new social world while Connell hangs at the sidelines, shy and uncertain. Throughout their years at university, Marianne and Connell circle one another, straying toward other people and possibilities but always magnetically, irresistibly drawn back together. And as she veers into self-destruction and he begins to search for meaning elsewhere, each must confront how far they are willing to go to save the other.

Normal People is the story of mutual fascination, friendship and love. It takes us from that first conversation to the years beyond, in the company of two people who try to stay apart but find that they can’t.

Not only is the writing immature in certain ways, but the characters from the beginning are immature. I understand that someone reading this who is younger or older than her intended audience may think this portrayal of young adults is accurate, but I, (who am of that age range), found them extremely immature. They act more like teenagers and remain one-dimensional throughout. Take, for instance: “It occurred to Marianne how much she wanted to see him having sex with someone; it didn’t have to be her, it could be anybody” (12). Marianne lacks a self, a side to love. I believe this comes from her author’s devotion to Marxism, where sacrificing herself to other people is the only way she can feel much of anything. “She just let things happen, like nothing meant anything to her” (22). Marianne remains this passive, bleak, almost deterministic character throughout the book.

But Marianne is no better than Connell. Who cares so much about other people in high school that he only has sex with Marianne in secret? Marianne asks him: “Would you be embarrassed if they found out? she said. In some ways, yeah” (94). It just seems so childish for a person who is no longer a boy. In a similar Marxist fashion, Connell is also focused on Marianne’s class, as if being wealthy makes you a different species. Rooney writes: “If anything, his personality seemed like something external to himself, managed by the opinions of others, rather than anything he individually did or produced” (73). So, Connell is a chameleon. He is a person who just feeds off of others. [And might I add that he is not the only character who is like this, Rob is another. For “Nothing had meant more to Rob than the approval of others” (219).]

I must say that I don’t believe Rooney’s attempts to just drop complaints about class and expect her readers to blindly shake their heads in agreement, just like she did with those Leftist book titles. I went to public school, and I had friends from all ends of the class spectrum, especially for a child who has no control over where or how they grow up, your “class” in America does not make you into something alien as this Marxist author is trying to imply. Who cares about your class or station or rank when you are in high school? Again, I find it childish.

Throughout the text, there is this confusion about sexuality, mainly concerning Marianne. Again, being the good little Marxist, she is open to open relationships, bisexuals, homosexuals, threesomes, whatever happens to her happens. Of course, she can never be happy when she does nothing to better herself or her situation! The whole beginning felt like an inferior version of The Breakfast Club. Why does adulthood seem synonymous with doing immoral things, as if losing your soul is cool? So, Marianne sleeps around and takes up smoking and looks anorexic and depressed all the time. Is that what it means to be an adult? She has conversations with Connell like, “I think I was starting to have feelings for you there at one point. […] You just have to repress all that stuff, Marianne, he said” (101). So not falling in love with anyone is cool? Both main characters made me cringe with their “look at me, I’m so adult” behavior. For example, Marianne discusses getting pregnant with “I like to upset people’s expectations” (105) as her justification for doing so. Anyone who does things just for other people is not ready for any kind of responsibility in this world. And look, I’ve gone through my teenage “scene phase,” but by high school, and especially college, I was ready to be a responsible adult, and I never felt like truly, passionately loving another human being was “uncool.”

The only “change” occurs in the middle of the book when Marianne and Connell’s social status reverses—now she’s considered “cool” and he’s not. But what actually changes in terms of their appraisal of themselves and how they feel? Nothing changes in the book; there is no character change. I’m not even sure it can be considered a complete book at all. Neither character realizes their immaturity, although they do manage to say “I love you” by the end. But is that considered a change when they become separated again by choice?

If anything, each character only becomes more depressed. I would blame their Marxist ideology on such emotional turmoil, but let’s look at some phrases each character uses first. They refer to themselves as “self-hating” (pg. 139); that “they had the same unnameable spiritual injury” (175); that “human life was pointless” (232); that “She hates the person she has become, without feeling any power to change anything about herself” (244); that they were “becoming unrecognizably debased” (245); that “deep down she knows she is a bad person, corrupted, wrong” (247); and yet, “No one can be independent of other people completely” (pg. 269). By the end, Marianne has let herself embrace becoming a sexual plaything, and Connell is so depressed that he wants to kill himself. Now, do these sound like well-adjusted young adults to you, dear reader?

I believe that this is a true vignette of what happens when young people try to erase their egos. They can no longer love passionately; they wallow in their own self-hatred. I implore anyone who has not yet read The Fountainhead to read it. This is real literary fiction where the character of Keating is shown in exactly the same way as Marianne and Connell—parasites. But Ayn Rand can explain Keating’s behaviors through philosophy, unlike Rooney, who gives you a sketch of two messed-up people. You can only grow to hate yourself or consider yourself a monster when your life does merely become a string attached to a web of other people. When you become other people, like a chameleon, then how can you act? To live on this earth with any agency, and, ultimately, any happiness, then you must uphold your ego.

The fact that people are praising Sally Rooney as some kind of voice for the millennial generation greatly disturbs me. Wake up, readers! It’s frightening that people are espousing how much Rooney is exposing their own feelings on the page. It means that those people are fighting against what makes them human on a daily basis.

The book would be better if she wrote about it as an anecdote of how not to behave, but instead, she loves her characters (as most writers do), and she wants them to represent how she sees the world. But it’s wrong and surprisingly immature for someone her age.

I am just a few years younger than her, and I learned that this kind of wallowing is for teenagers at most. But there should not be a kind of anger, bitterness, and frustration that should carry through into your 20s and 30s. If anything, this proves that millennials are less mature than the previous generation.

Yet, the publishing industry opened its arms wide to accept their new literary figurehead onto the scene, because nothing has changed there. Normal People seems to be about outcasts who are not really even outcasts. They are, in fact, cultural representatives of the Left, which is what the publishing industry comprises. Rooney’s characters are moochers, sucking off the teat of literary fiction’s prestige to feed their own lack of character.

Rooney paints characters who have no “self” in a world where sex is merely about power and manipulation and not something beautiful to be cherished. She destroys the ego, which is necessary for our survival. Yet, no one in her story has agency. Marianne unconditionally loves Connell, while he is afraid of dominance and of becoming a man. But, to me, being submissive is a gift that a woman gives to a man she truly values and trusts. It is the very expression of love for a woman, as dominance is for a man. But Rooney does not think monogamy or boyfriend/girlfriend dynamics truly exist. (Because you have to have a self and be confident enough to form such relationships). She hates “masculinity,” believes in “the patriarchy,” and that capitalism is a “coercive system.” The same old, same old ideology. She is just another liberal, checking off her list of things to drop in her story. Well, she does not speak for me, nor does the entire publishing industry. I refuse to recognize Sally Rooney as the great millennial writer who is a perfect representative of literary fiction.

End of Part II

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Views Expressed Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the postings, strategies, or opinions of American Wordsmith, LLC. Please also know that while I consider myself an Objectivist and my work is inspired by Objectivism, it is not nor should it be considered Objectivist since I am not the creator of the philosophy. For more information about Ayn Rand’s philosophy visit: aynrand.org.